A man who everyone keeps telling me is Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones—like I can’t see with my own two eyes that he’s clearly Bilbo Baggins after his ring was taken away by that hater Gandalf—told reporters on Wednesday that his team will play all of its home games in front of fans at AT&T Stadium when the regular NFL season begins next month, despite the fact that there is still a global pandemic going on and the state of Texas has seen a recent surge in COVID-19 cases.
“The Dallas Cowboys plan on playing all our football games, and we plan on playing ’em in front of our fans,” Jones said during a press conference. “We’ve got some adjustments to make. We’re going to make ’em with enthusiasm and we’re going to make ’em with ‘can-do.’”
For the record, on Tuesday, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott suggested to reporters that family and neighborhood gatherings are likely responsible for why the state has surpassed 500,000 COVID-19 cases and has recorded more than 1,400 new deaths over the past week.
But none of that matters because AT&T Stadium—one of the largest sports arenas in the world with three million square feet and the capacity to hold more than 100,000 fans—is an enchanted place.
Jones cited AT&T Stadium’s retractable-roof design, which he said makes it capable of allowing a “serious, serious air current” and a “naturally built air flow” that he said will help keep fans, players and coaches safe. A team of experts has done an “extensive” safety evaluation of the stadium, Jones added, and fans deciding to attend will have to acknowledge they are doing so “of their own volition.”
I usually don’t speak to white people like this, but…
Is Jones really trying to convince us that because AT&T Stadium has a convertible drop-top it will only let in corona-karate-chopping magic air? I need to know who these “experts” are. Let me find out Jones got the Fellowship of the Ring out here posing as medical professionals. (Gandalf is lying to you, Bilbo. He’s a hater, I swear.)
“The number one asset that the Dallas Cowboys have is the grand following and fans that we have in this country,” Jones said without explaining why he’s willing to risk those fans’ lives by inviting them into a three million-square-foot petri dish with probably-not-magical air current.
Ultimately, Jones appears to have taken the position that nobody is pointing a gun at Cowboys fans’ heads and making them come out.
“The people that will be there will be there of their own volition,” he said. “Our fans will be in the stadium because they’ve chosen to be there. As we ourselves have. I’m confident we have a very educated situation, and that our fans can come and have a great experience.”
A “very educated situation”? Have you met America? The country where mask-wearing is a partisan political issue? Where there is still an impressive number of people who believe the pandemic is a hoax or that it’s the product of 5G cell towers? Where our president has repeatedly suggested that the country only has a lot of infection cases because we keep testing people for said infection?
Listen: I know we all want things back to normal. I know sports fans miss going to games and athletes miss the roaring crowds. But it ain’t worth risking people’s health. Of course, Frodo’s cousin disagrees.
“I think it’s important,” Jones said. “I think it’s important individually. I think it’s important for the country.”
Jones of the Shire believes the NFL’s return “can be an inspirational part of how we address COVID, not only this year but how we go into 2021.”
“We will adhere to all protocols,” he said. “We will adapt them to the uniqueness of our stadium.”
Shit, maybe I’m wrong and that arena really is something magical. Clearly Jones thinks so. In fact, here’s actual footage of him expressing his love for AT&T Stadium:
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