I've Got a Dumbass Medical Condition

Panama Jackson/VSB
Panama Jackson/VSB

Let's just start with the punchline: the glands on my eyelids are being bitches. Actually, its just one of my eyelids. So the glands on my right eyelids? Straight bitches.


I've got blepharitis. 

Blepharitis (blef-uh-RYE-tis) is inflammation of the eyelids. Blepharitis usually involves the part of the eyelid where the eyelashes grow and affects both eyelids.

Blepharitis commonly occurs when tiny oil glands located near the base of the eyelashes become clogged. This leads to irritated and red eyes. Several diseases and conditions can cause blepharitis.

Blepharitis is often a chronic condition that is difficult to treat. Blepharitis can be uncomfortable and may be unsightly. But it usually doesn't cause permanent damage to your eyesight, and it's not contagious.

This is a dumbass medical condition. I can see fine. My eyes ain't watering, irritated, red, crip-walking, or working with Young Thug. My damn eyelid is just swollen, which ain't cute.

Now let's start at the beginning. Last Wednesday, a thug woke up and noticed that he felt some irritation on his eye. I didn't pay it much mind because sometimes I sleep on my eyes, fam. Shit happens, ya know? So I got up, hit a mean stroll into the bathroom and looked into the mirror and noticed that my right eye looked I caught an eye jammy over money or something. I didn't panic or anything because I assumed that maybe I had an allergic reaction to…well…something. I didn't eat anything, touch anything, or do anything, that was outside the realm of my norm, but whatevs. I went through my day thinking that mayhaps whatever it was that showed up would see its way out. That didn't happen. Thursday morning I hopped up out my bed but couldn't turn my swag on because I couldn't see the damn switch. My eye had managed to get more swollened.

Now I'm feeling a bit of concern, and I'm looking up the finest in medical advice via the Internet, which as we all know is just as likely to make you feel that you're about to die as helpfully diagnose anything. But I went about Thursday with reckless aplomb and let that bitch breathe by using warm compresses and washing my eye out with soap and all that shit. Johnson & Johnson Baby Soap really doesn't sting your eyes. Two days later, it got no better so I managed to take my happy ass to the Urgent Care (which was a saga unto itself), on July 4th no less, to find out what's wrong with me. The doc said she thinks I have blepharitis, which is one of the conditions that I'd come across with the help of my Internet web medical team.

This is a dumb ass medical condition. I'm walking around with a swollen eye. Just one. But it came with an unintended silver lining…


…it gave me a reason to wear an eye patch.

Which I have done for a few days. I copped me an eye patch from Wal-Mart.

Let's talk about wearing an eye patch shall we? Yes. Let's.

I'm about 75 percent certain that I'm 35 percent more badass with an eye patch than I am without one. Here's why: everybody is curious about the cat with the eye patch. Shit happens to folks eyes all the time and they don't actively choose to cover it up. But if you have on a eye patch, you want to know what that person is hiding. It's instant mystery. Does he have an eyeball? If he does, is it backwards? Does it work? Does it rap…badly? Is it hanging out? Who knows. But I went to the mall on Saturday afternoon and wore my eye patch and did a whole lot of observing of people's reactions to my eye patch. Nobody says shit, but everybody's looking. Especially kids. Kids like pirates, b.


So you know how I was doing some observing? Do you know what ELSE I was doing while wearing my eye patch?

Bumping into shit. Man, depth perception is a bitch, yo. Have you ever tried to look at the world…with one eye? Trust me, two eyes are definitely better than one. It takes getting used to. I kept reaching for shit and missing. Or having to try REALLY hard and squint my eye (just the one, because, eye patch) to fully gauge how far shit was away. Driving? Man listen. I just took the L and took the patch off while driving, which was a whole new exercise because the reason I even wore the eye patch is because I wear contacts. So I wore the contact in the left eye and took the one out of my right eye. Half my world was blurry while the other half looked like unicorns and lillies.


Have you tried to look at the world with good vision in one eye and trash vision out the other eye? It's no bueno. So while I'm definitely more badass with an eye patch, I'm definitely more of a menace to society. Which is probably a pun if you think about it. (Did you think about it? Am I right?) I didn't wear my eye patch to work (yet) since I'm not sure that being badass at work is the look I'm going for. It might be frowned upon. Yo no se.

Of course, this wouldn't be an issue if the glands on my right eye lid would stop being bitches. What happens if they don't, though? This eye patch situation could get real permanent. They don't even have a real cure. Shit, the doctor I went to see prescribed me some shit that after doing some research seems to have NO real helpful qualities for a person in my medical condition, which means she basically got me for $7. Damn, how she gonna stick me for my paper?


Point is, I've got a dumbass medical condition that I'm hoping gets better. So if you see me in the streets and I don't have my eye patch on…I already know. Yes. My eye is swollen. I'm aware. But thanks for the heads up.  Because see…me?

I have a dumbass medical condition.

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.



I feel your pain. I, too, suffer from a dumbass medical condition. One day I woke up and half of my face just didn't work. I looked like I'd had a stroke. Just every muscle on the left side of my face ceased to function. Went to urgent care and discovered I had Bell's palsy. After numerous appointments with a neurologist, 2 MRI's, a hospital stay, and a spinal tap, the final diagnosis was "Welp, looks like you're S.O.L." It's been 17 months since then and, while my facial muscles are slowly (SLOOOOOWLY!!!!) regaining their functionality, I'm still not 100%. Hell, I'm barely even 50%. But hey, such is life when you're stuck with a dumbass medical condition.