It’s Time We Talk About the Real Reason Why Black Women Are So Hard On Each Other, From a Black Professor’s Point of View

Why are Black women so damn hard on one another? It’s a common topic of conversation and Black men want to understand what we see happening, but we have not been able to find an answer that is satisfactory. With all the racism and sexism that Black women endure, its puzzling why Black women are oftentimes their own enemy.

This rift is easy to spot when you look at it through the lens of generational tension. Many Millennials and Gen-Xers don’t hold their tongue when discussing the sartorial choices of members of Generation Alpha and below. In the same way that Baby Boomers often complained about the way that younger generations dressed, it makes sense that those who are not the elders of the Black community would have something to say about those who are younger. Not to mention the way music has changed.

Yes, Missy Elliott was sexual, and Lil Kim certainly pushed the envelope with her lyrics and provocative clothing— or lack thereof. But Megan Thee Stallion and Cardi B? Yeah, there is certainly a few Black women born before the invention of the internet that judge not only the music those women make but the way they choose to live their lives.

But as stated before, that’s easy to spot. There is an understandable rigidity to older generations that clashes with the desire of young people to be iconoclastic. That’s to be expected. But where this gets sinister is when it comes to Black women are not at odds because of generational difference.

This happens on the job. There is the “pet to threat” phenomenon, coined by Dr. Kecia Thomas, where highly qualified women, especially Black women, are celebrated and supported when they first enter the workplace, but are later undermined and seen as threats once they become competent leaders. The thing about this is that one would expect this from white colleagues, but it also happens at alarming rates from other Black women. These women are sometimes viewed as “bitchy” and overbearing by the group that should be cheering them on the loudest.

This is just the tip of an enormous and toxic iceberg. (I’ve not even mentioned how things can get messy between siblings or when Black women feel like they must compete in romantic relationships.) But the question remains: why does this happen? What is going on here??

Let’s tell the truth and shame the devil. There are two things that factor into all this. One is the “not enough pie” syndrome and the other is internalized misogynoir. Bear with me. I’m going to have to get philosophical for a minute.

Unfortunately, America is a (white) male dominated culture. As the late singer James Brown once said, “It’s a man’s world!” Because of that, there are limited positions of power that are available for all women, but Black women especially. What this often does is trigger what scholars call a  “Hunger Games” dynamic, where many women feel like they must compete against one another rather than seeing each other as allies. Those messy reality shows that focus on female rivalry and gossip? Yeah, that reinforces this. Then there is the other thing.

If left unchecked, internalized misogynoir (the unconscious adoption of sexist attitudes towards Black women) will cause women from our community to devalue and mistrust each other. Hating on the way another Black women dresses or their choices in romantic partners? That’s this.  

Ok. I’m done being philosophical. Let’s get real.

It’s hard as hell to be a Black person in 2025 in America. Even more difficult if you are a Black woman. There is currently a maternal health crisis in our community and they are running ya’ll up out of the workplace. And a Black woman like Candace Owens, who tried to cozy up to conservatives, is being ostracized.

Now, more than ever, is the time for Black folks to support one another… and of course this includes women. Look, I’m tempted to get all Black nationalistic and say that our community should not do the white man’s work for them… but I won’t.

I’ll just say that I am a Black man who unapologetically loves Black women, humbly asking that there be some type of soul searching about the things that divide you. We need to stand united, but that will not happen if we are fighting amongst ourselves.