It’s Finally Happened: Manhattan District Attorney Has Trump’s Tax Returns

Illustration for article titled It’s Finally Happened: Manhattan District Attorney Has Trump’s Tax Returns
Photo: MANDEL NGAN (Getty Images)

There are only a few things harder than getting your hands on Trump’s tax returns. The first is getting Washington Football Team owner Dan Snyder not to objectify his cheerleaders. The second is having fewer commercials for Coming to America 2. The third and probably most difficult is getting Jared Kushner not to look like a petrified penis.


But it’s finally happened. The clouds have parted and the mountains have moved, and the Manhattan district attorney now has a copy of former president and current white supremacist Donald Trump’s taxes and other pertinent information.

And before you get too excited, the answer is no, we won’t get to see them. Well, we might be able to see them but it won’t be anytime soon.

According to CNN, “Prosecutors obtained the records on Monday, just hours after the US Supreme Court denied Trump’s last-ditch effort to keep the records private.”

Trump’s tax records reportedly spanning from “January 2011 to August 2019, as well as financial statements, engagement agreements, documents relating to the preparation and review of tax returns, and work papers and communications related to the tax returns” equal out to millions of pages of documents that allegedly smell like KFC.

No one said the documents smelled. Well, I said it. It’s me. Allegedly.

From CNN:

Though the documents handed off from Trump’s long-time accounting firm Mazars won’t be released to the public because they’re subject to grand jury secrecy rules, their delivery caps off an extraordinary 17-month quest by the former President and his lawyers to block investigators from obtaining the records.

New York District Attorney Cy Vance is investigating whether Trump and the Trump Organization engaged in tax fraud, insurance fraud and other schemes to defraud, including potentially providing false information to financial institutions or banks about the value of certain buildings and assets.


Vance will be able to see when Trump began working with the Russians and how much money he spends on Adderall. Fine, Vance and his team will now be able to do a deep dive into Trump’s finances and can call witnesses to see if investigative theories like Trump receiving a cash infusion from Russian oligarchs during a fucked time in his life is true and if so, what laws have been violated.

CNN notes that the records can show if Trump used tax loopholes like listing deductions and devaluing properties to avoid paying taxes.


This, my friends, is what I call the good part. And now we wait.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.


Gameface doesn`t play nice with others

Just a bit of a correction Mr. Crockett Jr. Ms. James, Mr. Vance and company will no be able to see when T**** started working with the Russians because the scope of these taxes only go as far back as 2011. They do not go into the 80's when the Russians first targeted his pre-orange dumb fat ass. However, what it will allow them to do is determine exactly how he has been doing money laundering for them and lying about his income for the past 10 years. Each count that he is convicted on will add more time on his sentence that he will never serve because he will flee to Russia with Putin or Indonesia with his rapist comrade Russell Simmons.

On a side note: No matter how many times I see it, that picture is always the essence of that jackass - a perfect depiction of him either: being shown a picture of Obama’s poll numbers during and post-presidency, waiting on his diet Coke, not getting his way or not listening to facts or trying not to shit on himself due to poor diet and incontinence. So thank you for its continued use.