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Is Donald Trump Planning to Invade Mexico?

Illustration for article titled Is Donald Trump Planning to Invade Mexico?
Photo: Nicholas Kamm (Getty Images)

After punking out on the Kurds like Joffrey in the Battle of Blackwater, Commander in Chief and yellow-bellied bone spur sufferer Donald Trump has offered the services of the U.S. Armed forces to help Mexico defend its dwindling supply of white people.

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On Monday, nine members of a prominent American-Mexican family, including three women and six children, were killed in Northern Mexico, according to the New York Times. (Yes, that is correct. If people of African descent living in America are “African Americans” then, logically, the American citizens living in Mexico are “American-Mexicans.”)

Julian LeBaron, a cousin of one of the victims, reported they were ambushed by Mexican gunmen in a radio interview. Although authorities haven’t corroborated the veracity of the details or confirmed that the incident had anything to do with gangs, drugs or even Mexicans, Trump in his “great and unmatched wisdom,” decided to wade into the controversy by calling for war.

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Wait. Is he Mexico’s “great new president,” too?

To be clear, Trump is not concerned with the safety of American citizens. America’s drug problem is three times worse than Mexico’s and our southern neighbor has the 12th-worst rate of firearm deaths in the world, which is terrible. It must be so upsetting to live in fear of getting shot and killed by Mexican cartels.

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The U.S. firearm death rate, by comparison, is the tenth worst.

But instead of invading Alaska or Louisiana, Trump, the cowardly liar wants to star in a sequel to the Mexican-American war. I bet if you asked him to remember the Alamo, he’d probably say he only rents cars from Enterprise. He’d better be careful. If he sets this precedent, Mexico could argue that they should invade America for locking their kids in cages, not to mention the egregious cultural indignation that is Taco Bell.

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Or maybe he just wants to help.

After all, Mexico did offer to pay for the border wall.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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DISCUSSION

feministonfire
FeministOnFire

So when white, cultist polygamists and their multitude of sister-wives and cousin-kids in magic undies take up residence in another country and are murdered, the United States offers to wage war on their behalf?

But if Mexican kids come to the land of the free, they get separated from their parents, put into cages and denied showers?

Hunh...it’s like I don’t understand the value of children.