Is Chance the Rapper Secretly Just A Human-Sized Sheet Cake? (Probably!)

Illustration for article titled Is Chance the Rapper Secretly Just A Human-Sized Sheet Cake? (Probably!)
Photo: Jonathan Daniel (Getty Images)

Chance the Rapper is a rapper who raps about the sort of things you’d expect a rapper with “Rapper” in their rap name to rap about. If you are not familiar with him or his work, the best way to describe him and it is “aggressively earnest.” Think of a trade school admissions counselor who also rapped on the side sometimes. His music—some of which I genuinely enjoy—is what you listen to when driving your mom to Rite-Aid.


I also believe that, if Chance were to accidentally slice his finger while cutting an orange—and yes, I’m certain Chance cuts oranges instead of peeling them—he would not bleed. Instead, a decadent piece of vanilla layer cake, slathered in creamy vanilla buttercream, would be revealed. And we’d all be fooled. And also hungry. We’d want Chance to cut more oranges and cut more fingers to reveal more cakes.

That Chance the Rapper is actually a Cake Person is obvious once you consider the reality that 1. cake people exist and 2. Chance the Rapper is one of them. Once this realization hits you, his support of Kanye West’s presidential bid makes more sense. If you believe that Chance the Rapper is a real human being, from real human parents with deep political roots and sensibilities, things don’t quite add up. But while cake can be tasty and filling and rich and sometimes even sexy, cake is dumb. Cake never went to school. Cake can’t read. Cake doesn’t know the capital of Illinois. Or even that Illinois is the name of the place he happens to be sitting in, and that this place also has a thing called a “capital.” Cake probably saw Kanye’s name and just thought that must be how you spell cake. Cake literally does not have a brain. Just maybe sprinkles sometimes.

If you’re still in doubt, ask yourself if you’ve even seen Chance the Rapper eat cake. He appears to lead the sort of cake-friendly life where cake-eating—at christenings, during baby showers, and while pre-gaming for brunches—is a regular occurrence. I can even picture Chance the Rapper crashing birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese, just to eat the cakes. But there’s no footage of him eating a cake. I used to think maybe it was because he’s gluten-free or something.

But now the answer is clear: He doesn’t because it would be cannibalism.


Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)



What I really hate about people like Chance is that they have the totality of mankind’s knowledge at their fingertips, but refuse to educate themselves. He thinks making money and occasionally tossing some to charity makes him some sort of erudite philanthropist. He has all the time and money in the world to educate himself, but like Kanye refuses to.