Screenshot: YouTube (Seriously, white people?)

Blaming her decision to wear blackface on ignorance and the media while offering up her own albino child as an excuse, a recently-released statement from the attorney of an Iowa teacher has earned her a potential nomination in the White Tears category of this year’s Wypipo Awards.

Megan Luloff, a teacher at Walcott Elementary in Walcott, Iowa, reportedly showed up to a Halloween party dressed in blackface. Along with her friends who dressed as characters from the movie Napoleon Dynamite, Loloff dressed as Lafawnduh, a stereotype of a trope of a caricature of a black woman in the 2004 film which chronicles the story of how a heralded French emperor invented a powerful explosive (I only made it through 11 minutes of the film, but I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s about).

After the photos went viral, the Davenport School District, which employs Megan the Elementary Minstrel, announced that it was opening an investigation. The school district was already under state supervision for allegedly discriminating against minority students, so Megan felt right at using skin color as a way to show inclusivity.

The Cartee Law Firm, apparently contracted to defend Megan against the charges of second-degree stupidity, issued a statement on behalf of the first-grade teacher that stretches the limits of legality and sanity. We have translated portions of attorney Catherine Zamora Cartee’s letter from the native Caucasoid language into English.

Megan has been a dedicated employee within this district for ten years, of which the majority of her employ at a racially diverse elementary school. Throughout this time, Megan has maintainted an impeccable Employment record.

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Some of her best students are black. Plus, shouldn’t she be commended for never having been disciplined for this kind of thing after a decade working at a diverse school? Sure, the entire school is racist, so she probably fit right in, but why are you bringing up old shit?

Recently, Megan attended an adult Halloween party unrelated to her employment... Megan dressed up as the character “Lafawndah,” [sic] a standout character from the movie. In an effort to complete her costume Megan used a dark foundation to enhance her pigmentation to create the likeness of Lafawndah. At no point during her preparation, or her participation at the event, did Megan ever intend to mock the character’s ethnicity or take any action meant to be offensive to anyone. At this point in time Megan had never heard the term “Black face” nor did she know the history of the term. If she had that knowledge she never would have participated in such a way that she deeply regrets her actions.

See, her temporary use of skin color as a costume was an “enhancement” because the 10 minutes of screen time that the cringeworthy character appears on screen made her a “standout character.” Plus, Megan didn’t know that blackface was a thing. If she knew the history, she wouldn’t have done it. Again ... old shit.

On Thursday, October 25, 2018, the Quad City Times published a picture of Megan at the aforementioned party. It is clear from their article and accompanied picture that the Quad City Times either acted, to promote an already divisive country (which it did) or meant said publication to cause death threats to Megan and her family (which it has).

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If the newspaper wouldn’t have published this news, then no one would have known, so it’s really their fault. Plus, for a few minutes at a Halloween party, Megan was black, so this is really a case of reverse reverse racism, which we’re probably going to sue them for.

It is equally apparent that this picture made thousands of citizens aware of what blackface is historically and how hurtful it is to all African Americans. For this awareness, Megan is thankful...

She then received word that her supervisor received the same photo and she was going to be investigated. It was at this time that the offense was coming from something called “Blackface.” After hearing and understanding what blackface really is/was, Megan immediately understood the anger and outrage at the photo. She immediately took responsibility for her actions...

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Megan is actually teaching the world a valuable lesson about blackface. Really, you should be thanking her.

You’re welcome.

Aside from that previous paragraph blaming it on the country, the Quad City Times and whoever the sneaky person was who snapped the photo that Megan proudly posed for, Megan takes full responsibility for her actions.

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Now let me explain why this is not her responsibility:

Megan is the mother to a child with albinism. Megan’s child has an appearance that is much different than most of the people around him. She has often experienced stares, mocking and ridicule on behalf of her child’s appearance. Megan understands personally how sensitive feelings about appearance can be ... Throughout history, people affected by albinism have been humiliated, mocked, sent away from their families, worst of all beaten and thought of ‘witchcraft.’”

See that bus? Watch Megan toss her child under it.

Are you feeling sorry for Megan, yet? You don’t know about albinism just like Megan doesn’t know about blackface and history shows that people with albinism are just like black people, which proves Megan is not a racist.

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Also, the fact that I just equated blackness with a genetic disorder doesn’t make me racist. I’m just bad analogies.

Megan’s heart is broken for the families she let down. She will be eternally sorry for her lapse in judgement and will have to live with this forever. Megan only hopes that her experience and lack of education on this topic will help others understand and avoid the same mistakes in the future.

Sincerely,

Catherine Z. Cartee, Attorney at law.
Cartee Law Firm, P.C.

When I say “live with this forever,” she doesn’t mean her job, or anything. Just in her callous. white heart. And hopefully, escaping all punishment for her stupidity will teach others that they can be as racist as they want, as long as they claim ignorance with a letter from their grammatically-challenged attorney.

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Sincerely,

Whiteness.