I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream…at Senator Mark Warner's Mayo Abomination of a Sandwich

If we can find just one moment of national unity this week, let it be the collective scream we all let out as Virginia Senator Mark Warner dumped a Mitch McConnell-sized helping of mayonnaise on what we’ve been told is a tuna melt.

“Senator’s mayo-heavy tuna melt met with jeers” crowed CNN. “Virginia Sen. Mark Warner’s Sandwich Causes Tuna Meltdown,” quipped NBC Washington. “What is the deal with Mark Warner’s haunted sandwich,” New York Magazine implored. Fox News went the long-winded route: “Mark Warner’s tuna melt recipe provokes disgust, concern from fellow lawmakers, Twitter users,” the site declared.

The senator shared the harrowing recipe on his Instagram and his Twitter—against the good advice of his own staff, apparently.

“My daughters won’t eat them anymore, and my staff tried to stop me from sharing this quarantine delicacy with the world. Fortunately for you, they were OVERRULED,” the former governor of Virginia wrote. “So here it is, my soon-to-be-world-famous Tuna Melt.”

Sounds like someone has an appetite for trolling!

Warner’s recipe, if we could call it that, calls for about a half a jar of mayonnaise on two pieces of white bread. Next, he dumps an entire can of tuna directly onto the mayonnaise, aggressively pushing the flakes of meat onto the mayo (no, he did not drain the can). Next, two pieces of American cheese do their best to bury the monstrosity. Warner then nukes this pile of nonsense—which he has allegedly fed to his own, live children—in the microwave. Voilá, a tuna sandwich made for the trash.

Warner’s colleagues were unified in their condemnation of The Sandwich™. Even New Jersey Senator Cory Booker’s vegan ass got in the mix.

“Mark, if you don’t change your routine there’s going to be a mayo shortage in Virginia,” Booker teased, before politely telling Warner he was maaaybe doing it wrong.

California Senator Kamala Harris solemnly informed Warner, “[W]e need to talk. Call. Please.” Do I hope Harris, a former prosecutor, will throw Mark in jail for this sandwich? Not yet, but I do want a summons to be issued. To a pantry. With seasoning.

Kamala’s niece, Meena Harris, even got in on the fun.

Now, I would never deny that Mark Warner is an expert in mayonnaise. Look at the man. Peep that creamy glow from his rich, mayonin-blessed skin. If he claims mayonnaise is a seasoning, as he did in response to Booker’s critique, it must come from a place of expertise.

But as it turns out, this sandwich wasn’t political performance art, nor some defense of the proclivities of Caucasian cuisine. It was a ploy to tout his paycheck security proposal, co-sponsored by Senate colleagues Bernie Sanders (Vt.), Doug Jones (Ala.), and Richard Blumenthal (Conn.). Warner says the legislation will preserve wages and benefits for “every rank-and-file American worker (including restaurant workers),” to which, sir—you didn’t need to make a terrible sandwich to tell me that restaurant workers are important! But, if you need to provoke the masses through terrible food, then so be it.

It is, frankly, a much more noble calling for that poor sandwich, which I hope, for the sake of Warner, his family and his bowels, he didn’t eat.