How Trump Got Punk'd Into Running From Syria, Explained

Photo: Mark Wilson (Getty Images)

Military leaders, politicians and the U.S. allies were shocked by Donald Trump’s decision to side with brutal dictators and turn his back on one of America’s staunchest allies in the fight against Islamic State forces. But the president’s stunning departure from U.S. policy, historical precedent and the code of the streets appears to have been the result of someone capitalizing off Trump’s “unmatched” stupidity when it comes to international geopolitics.

What happened?

Late Sunday, the White House announced that U.S. troops will withdraw from the border of northern Syria, where it has been fighting alongside Kurdish forces to stop Islamic State forces from advancing its position into Syria.

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I don’t know what any of that means.

OK, here are the basics. You know that whole “ISIS” bogeyman that scares white people into believing that all Muslims want to infiltrate America and replace our laws with Sharia? Well, the acronym stands for the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria. The group’s goal, according to CNN, is to “create an Islamic state called a caliphate across Iraq, Syria and beyond.”

For years, American forces have armed and fought alongside an ethnic group of freedom fighters who live in the mountainous regions bordering Iraq, Syria and Turkey called the Kurds. The Kurds also want to create their own state. And, while the U.S. isn’t necessarily on their side, we decided to arm them in their fight against the Islamic State because it serves our interests. So, instead of sending thousands of American forces to the Middle East, we helped the Kurds stop Isis from spreading with weapons and support.

That sounds smart.

Well, it’s not quite that simple.

Remember when I said the Kurds want their own state? Well, part of that state would be in Turkey, which is an important U.S. ally in providing stability to the Middle East region. Complicating things further is Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Turkey’s authoritarian president who has befriended Russia (authoritarians stick together). Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad is also a Russia-friendly brutal dictator who is trying to stop the Kurds and the Islamic State from setting up shop.

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If we withdraw from Syria’s border with Turkey, Turkey could wipe out the Kurds, who were trying to wipe out the Islamic State, who were trying to take over Syria, who was trying to wipe out the Kurds and ISIS.

That sounds complicated. So why did Trump turn on the Kurds?

No one knows.

Maybe it’s money. Trump has already admitted that he has a “conflict of interest” because he has business properties in Turkey that make a lot of money.

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If U.S. troops withdraw, Turkey doesn’t have a Kurd problem, Erdogan is in total control and Trump’s businesses in Turkey would flourish because of the relationship. Just before Trump announced the troop withdrawal, he had a mysterious phone call with Erdogan where an anonymous official says the Turkish leader played on Trump’s ignorance.

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Newsweek reports:

In a scheduled phone call on Sunday afternoon between President Trump and President Erdogan, Trump said he would withdraw U.S. forces from northern Syria. The phone call was scheduled after Turkey announced it was planning to invade Syria, and hours after Erdogan reinforced his army units at the Syrian-Turkish border and issued his strongest threat to launch a military incursion, according to the National Security Council official to whom Newsweek spoke on condition of anonymity.

The U.S. withdrawal plays into the hands of the Islamic State group, Damascus and Moscow, and the announcement left Trump’s own Defense Department “completely stunned,” said Pentagon officials. Turkey, like the United States, wants regime change in Syria. Russia and Iran support the Assad regime.

“President Trump was definitely out-negotiated and only endorsed the troop withdraw to make it look like we are getting something—but we are not getting something,” the National Security Council source told Newsweek. “The U.S. national security has entered a state of increased danger for decades to come because the president has no spine and that’s the bottom line.”

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Wow. The president can’t be that dumb. I’m sure he talked this out with his staff.

Although Trump insists that he “consulted with everybody,” Trump administration officials, military leaders and the Pentagon were shocked by the decision, according to Reuters. But Trump insists that his “great and unmatched wisdom” wouldn’t let him get punk’d like that.

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‘Great and unmatched wisdom’? Isn’t that a quote from the Wizard of Oz? So he did this for the money?

Or maybe he did it because of Russian influence.

Or maybe because he likes brutal dictators.

CNN called it a “gift to Putin and Assad” and Republican leaders are even speaking out about it. He claims it was part of his campaign promise to stop the “endless wars” and put “America first.” Don’t forget, he always said he had a secret plan to defeat ISIS.

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To be fair, running home like the street lights came on is technically a “plan.”

So what happens now?

Here’s what happens:

America’s allies across the globe will be reluctant to stand with us militarily because they know our president is a bitch-ass whose philosophy is “Ride-or-die. Unless, of course, you really might die, in which case, you should just ride…home.”

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The Kurds will have to fight the Islamic State and Turkish forces without America’s help, which helps the Islamic State. Putin, Assad and Erdogan will benefit from the lack of opposition and Trump’s properties in Turkey make a lot of money.

Or maybe the Kurds defeat the Turkish forces and the Islamic State gains more territory, which means their influence spreads into Europe. Of course, this would piss off all of the U.S. allies and embolden terrorism around the globe.

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Or maybe we impeach the dumb motherfucker.

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.