How to Celebrate Columbus Day Like Columbus

Portrait of a man said to be Christopher Columbus by Sebastiano del Piombo (1519)
Wikipedia Commons

Columbus Day—our annual recognition for and celebration of the man who discovered our amazing country—is finally here today. And I couldn’t be happier. Because no other holiday—not Christmas, not Thanksgiving, not even Arbor Day—is as fun to celebrate. Because while you probably can’t celebrate Easter like Jesus, you can actually celebrate Columbus Day like Christopher Columbus.

How? Well, glad you asked.

1. Go to Giant, Eagle, Safeway, Wegmans or any other supermarket that happens to be in your area. If no supermarkets are near, a corner store or bodega will do. Perhaps even a gas station. Ask the salesclerk where the frozen waffles are. Buy the frozen waffles. Store the frozen waffles in your refrigerator.


On the weekend, invite some friends over. Tell them they can even invite their significant others. Prepare the waffles, as well as some bacon, eggs, hash browns and a pitcher of raspberry Bellini. When friends compliment you on the waffles (“These are really good waffles!”), say, “No, those aren’t waffles. They’re pancakes.”

When the friends reply that they look and taste like waffles, remain incredulous. Get even more incredulous when they tell you that they can see the box you made them from, clearly labeled “frozen waffles”: “I don’t care what you say. Or what they were called before I saw them. I’m calling them pancakes, so they’re pancakes. End of story.”


2. Go to Facebook. Write a status message telling all of your friends that you just discovered a great new website called “Facebook.” Since these people are your Facebook friends, they are already on Facebook. But that doesn’t matter. You said you discovered it. So you discovered it.

Your friends will probably say, “Wait … how did you discover Facebook? Facebook has been around for a decade. What type of weed are you smoking to think you can discover something that a billion people already know about?”


When this happens, reply with, “Look. I get where you’re coming from. But really, how do I even know you all were here first unless I was here to confirm it? Plus, if you were here before me, why didn’t you say you discovered Facebook, huh? Because you didn’t. And I just did.”

If Facebook isn’t your speed, this will also work with Twitter, the Internet and even The Root. And, if ambitious, you can try this with a favorite artist:

“I just discovered a new artist. I think his name is the Weeknd or something. He makes good music.”


“Wait, the Weeknd is at the top of the Billboard charts and was just on Saturday Night Live. Like, literally last weekend. I just watched a commercial with him in it. How can you say you ‘discovered’ him?”

“All that is great. But I’d never heard of him until he came across my Spotify playlist this morning. And since no one was around to take the credit for discovering him, I will.”


3. Move to a new apartment building in a nice part of the city. A place that has had residents living there for hundreds of years, and where they accept you as their new neighbor with open arms. Invite your old friends and all of the current tenants to a dinner party at your new place.

Murder all of the tenants.

When done murdering each of the tenants, continue having dinner-party fun with your friends. And when the party is over, help your friends move into the old apartments of the recently murdered tenants.


Have so much fun partying and moving your friends in that you pledge to have a party on this day every year until you die. But make everyone agree to never, ever, ever mention the murder of the tenants again. Because that could be awkward.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of He is also a contributing editor at He lives in Pittsburgh and he really likes pancakes. You can reach him at

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