I am a certified asshole.
Seriously, I have paperwork and everything.
The great playwright Shakespeare (or maybe it was my Uncle Rob) once said “Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and they’re usually full of shit.” Numerous sources have confirmed my asshole credentials with The Root, including readers who have labeled me a “race-baiting asshole,” a regular asshole as well as a “fucking asshole.” (For the record, I think the politically correct term for“fucking asshole” is “anal sex.”) Even when I correctly pointed out to my uncle (or Shakespeare) that feces are stored in the rectum and only emerges from the asshole, my insistence on educating them about human anatomy only served as more proof of my assholiness.
One of the first conditions required for me to become licensed through the American Association of Assholes was signing up for a Twitter and a Facebook account. (Triple-A hates our name but what can we say? We’re assholes.) I’m not saying everyone on the internet is an asshole but I would wager that social media has a larger percentage of opinionated mouth-breathers than any other place on Al B. Sure’s internet.
So, to strengthen our movement, The Root teamed up with the AAA to bring you the 10 steps to becoming a certified internet asshole, or: (Wait for it...)
The 10 other crack commandments.
If one really wants to become an anal icon, one must choose a topic to defend. Take noted emcee Chance the Rapper, who went on a Twitter rant Monday, wondering why people won’t vote for Kanye West.
While Chance ultimately distanced himself from the asshole movement to embrace the Movement for Black Lives, his initial tweet was a great display of holier-than-thou-ass. As someone who has proven himself to be a passionate defender of his friends and his city, Chance wondered why anyone would vote for a person who makes beats and sneakers for president instead of someone with 40 years of legislative, executive and government experience.
Sure he had that brief moment where he supported policy that harmed Black people for his own personal gain but...
Did Kanye do that or did Joe Biden do that?
The internet is no place for staying in your lane.
While I am a big fan of Sir Chancelot, I know you might be thinking: “Why are you paying attention to a culturally appropriating hip-hop artists for their political expertise? (Yes, we have to call Chance out for stealing Mario and Luigi’s whole style of dress. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with Chance. Maybe he’s been knocking his head against cement blocks to see if gold coins will come out.).
Even though this nigga’s middle and last name is “the rapper,” he understands that social media doesn’t require that people actually know what the fuck they’re talking about before they voice their opinion. Sure, America is in this mess partly because we elected a president with no knowledge or experience in governing. Sure Trump is a huge narcissist who has displayed no self-control. Sure Trump likes to brag about how dope he is and starts feuds with people who he once claimed was his friend.
I’m sure Kanye would be totally different.
And before y’all jump all over Chance, you should know that he’s putting his money where his mouth is. He might be supporting Kanye for president, but did you know “Ima Keep It Real Alota U Niggas Is Racist” is the name of the hip-hop album Chance is producing for Joe Biden?
It’s mostly mumblerap.
Most AAA members have never used lotion in their lives, which gives them an itch that can only be soothed by spewing feces all over the internet. Take Terry Crews for instance. Instead of using Chapstick, he prefers to say dumb shit like this:
While Crews’ tweets may seem nonsensical to many who wonder why he would take the time to center whiteness in a conversation about black lives, the members of the AAA also firmly oppose Black supremacy...
Because it never existed.
If you, like Crews, manage to say something supremely stupid on the internet, the best way to abrogate the perception of your stupidity is to try to slip out of the spotlight by pretending that people are wrong for holding you accountable for shit you actually said.
Another tactic is to pretend you were talking about an entirely different thing.
After receiving an endorsement from top AAA prospect Terry Crews, Chance decided to amend his previous stance. (Crews is not an official AAA member, but his continual willingness to brown-nose whiteness makes him a perfect candidate.)
Fortunately, Chance the Rapper and Campaign Surrogate is not an asshole (Or unfortunately for the AAA—We could’ve used some of Chance’s dues money).
This thoughtful reversal proves that Chance has no future in politics. If he was truly interested in presidential politics, Chance would have doubled down on his initial position by tweeting something presidential, like the president, who continues to insist that testing for coronavirus actually causes cases of coronavirus:
Why would anyone post this? Well, that brings us to the fourth crack commandment:
Again, one doesn’t have to be an asshole to have a social media presence. Take John Legend, for instance. Because he has an actual talent, Legend is notorious for posting thoughtful, intelligent stuff like this:
He’s is never gonna achieve his commercial asshole license posting bullshit like this.
This is why I could never be friends with John Legend. I bet he stops his friends from getting in fights by apologizing to the dude who somehow snuck a gun into the club. I bet John Legend does shit like warn you how many carbs are in a certain dish when he takes you out for dinner and then pays for the meal. He just seems like the type of thoughtful motherfucker who cares about people he’s never even met.
Who needs that?
Why is John even on Twitter if he just wants to be a good person who makes peoples smile? He could be writing a song for Amber and Christian’s beach wedding instead of making people on the internet consider their actions. Could social media even exist if the asshole community thought about what they posted before they blasted their dookey all over the world wide web? I’m sure there’s a social media site for that.
Hey John, take that “decent human being” bullshit to LinkedIn.
Remember that urban legend where the Future Gangbangers of America would ride around flashing their high beams and kill any non-thug who flashed their headlights back?
Well, the internet is like that.
If you want to become a member of AAA, you’re gonna have to “jump someone in. Even the most innocuous statement can incite outrage from a social media asshole.
That’s why Chance could never make it in the AAA. He’s too positive. You must find something negative to say. Remember when Diddy showed black women love and white women went crazy?
That was our Karen subcommittee.
8. Get drafted
Most white members of AAA didn’t join the asshole movement, voluntarily. Their hate for reason, Black people or civility, in general, got them drafted into our organization. Lately, a lot of white people who hate masks have received free lifetime memberships.
Don’t worry, a lifetime membership for people who won’t wear masks only lasts about six months.
Facts don’t matter on the internet. A lot of people are internet scholars because they get their information from social media. Take noted physician and medical advisor to the president, Chuck Woolery:
Wait... if he didn’t get his info from doctors, the CDC or news reports, where did he get it?
He probably got it from Facebook. Everyone on Facebook knows someone who’s cousin works for the World Health Organization. Or maybe they know someone who “drops knowledge” like this:
Here is where Chance fucked up:
Chance would never make it through his pledge period.
Social media is essentially a fight club where people go to battle over dumb shit. The number one rule of Asshole Fight Club is to never admit that you are incorrect.
On the internet, R. Kelly might not be a predator and R. Kelly was incarcerated because he was going to purchase a television network. If you are proven wrong, you can simply insist that you “have a right to your opinion” or that you’re “just asking questions.”
This tweet put it perfectly:
I don’t know who this guy is, but he’s banned from all AAA meetings. No one is wrong on the internet.
Even assholes like me.