Hair Piece: Trump Can't Talk About COVID-19 Deaths Because He’s Busy Changing Shower Regulations to Fix His Mane (No, Really.)

Illustration for article titled Hair Piece: Trump Can't Talk About COVID-19 Deaths Because He’s Busy Changing Shower Regulations to Fix His Mane (No, Really.)
Photo: MANDEL NGAN (Getty Images)

Sometimes two worlds collide: sports and politics; LL Cool J and Brad Paisley’s Accidental Racist and our eardrums; and The Onion and The Root.


Unfortunately, this is not one of those times, but it could be because the president of people who would rather die than wear a flimsy 10 cent mask is having trouble with his hair and that means that showerhead regulations must be changed.

The U.S. government has proposed changing a law to allow for increased water flow...and I can’t even believe I’m writing this. This is actually a real story...I kind of want to just walk outside and wait for the end of the world to come; the rapture, and not the one Anita Baker sings about. This is the part in the movie where the disgruntled writer, with the weather-beaten skin and a tie so loose that he could hang himself, pushes himself away from his desk and contemplates how the fuck he got here. Then I remember that I have two kids and I’m lucky to have a job in a global pandemic...So if I’ve got to write about the president’s bending laws to fix his fucking hair then….y’all gonna get this work.

Where was I? Yes, the president of people who believe that gumbo is franks, beans, green peppers and onions is actually looking at changing a law to allow more water so that he can complete his hair routine. Currently, the president just places a wet blonde raccoon on his head and white America acts as if it’s hair, but I guess he’s looking for something a bit less temperamental.

From the BBC:

Under a 1992 law, showerheads in the US are not allowed to produce more than 2.5 gallons (9.5l) of water per minute.

The Trump administration wants this limit to apply to each nozzle, rather than the overall fixture.

Consumer and conservation groups argue that it is wasteful and unnecessary.

The changes were proposed by the Department of Energy on Wednesday following complaints by Mr. Trump at the White House last month.

“So showerheads - you take a shower, the water doesn’t come out. You want to wash your hands, the water doesn’t come out. So what do you do? You just stand there longer or you take a shower longer? Because my hair - I don’t know about you, but it has to be perfect. Perfect,” he said.

Andrew deLaski, executive director of the energy conservation group Appliance Standards Awareness Project, told the BBC not to come at him with this bullshit while the coronavirus numbers are going up like a Tuesday. this was silly.

With four or five or more nozzles, “you could have 10, 15 gallons per minute powering out of the showerhead, literally probably washing you out of the bathroom,” he told the Associated Press.


“If the president needs help finding a good shower, we can point him to some great consumer websites that help you identify a good showerhead that provides a dense soak and a good shower,” he added.

If the president actually took a shower then some of this might be of concern, but that would raise unemployment numbers as Senator Lindsey Graham gives him a sponge bath every morning.


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Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.


Sorely Vexed

So he has to flush the toilet a dozen times to get the copious residue of his KFC binges around the U-bend, and no amount of showering is enough for him to feel clean.

Ol' DT is telling us a lot more about his inner life than he realizes.