If you happen to be a biracial kid stuck growing up in a miscegenation-phobic time-warp like Tangipahoa Parish, La., where Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell apparently refuses to marry interracial couples because he feels โthe children will suffer later,โ then you, at some point, might have dreamed of floating away in your fatherโs helium balloon across the plains to a more welcoming part of the country.
Suggested Reading
The aptly named Falcon Heeneโwould-be renegade balloon pilot and biracial superstar of the weekโalmost made it happenโฆ
Almost.
We donโt know whether or not the nationโs momentary fear that young Falcon was trapped in a homemade balloon craft sailing through the Colorado skies was real or a hoax, but for the record, those of us fortunate enough to grow up in masala-friendly hamlets like D.C.โs Adams Morgan, Brooklynโs Fort Greene or Oaklandโs Rockridge would have welcomed the sight of one of our biracial brethren floating โhomeโ in a silver getaway orb.
Fortunately for Heene, it turned out that he was safe on the ground the whole time. Unfortunately for him, he might be the one biracial kid in America that Bardwell really should worry about.
No Justice, No Peace
Bardwell turned down Beth Humphrey and Terence McKayโs request to get married, saying, โI donโt do interracial marriages because I donโt want to put children in a situation they didnโt bring on themselves.โ If by โsituation,โ he means having your parents drag you out on all the major networks to tell the story of a runaway balloon journey that you didnโt take, then yeah, thatโs a concern. If Bardwell means being born and then later in life coming across a justice of the peace whose Internet is so slow that he still hasnโt heard that the Supreme Court settled Loving v. Virginia 42 years ago, then he has a point there, too.
Interracial Wife Swap
Now thereโs a show that has โNo.1 in its time slotโ written all over it.
Last year, parents Mayumi and Richard Heene and their three sons were a hit on Wife Swap. Itโs possible they got bit by the fame bug, and after seeing Jon & Kate Plus 8 implode, they figured the world was finally ready for a science/travel โrealityโ show about a โfringeโ scientist, his wife and their three hapa sons.
Too bad they didnโt go for the obvious blockbuster, โInterracial Wife Swapโโthe show where a white/Asian couple and a black/Latino couple switch off and sexy, taboo, madcap hi-jinx ensues.
Storm Chasers, Indeed
Reportedly, the Heenes are amateur storm chasers. For a 6-year-old like Falcon, itโs probably more exciting than, say, eating your veggies or doing your homework, but itโs also just a tad insane. A word of advice to all the young mixed kids out there: Being biracial in America is enough of an adventureโstorms find you; thereโs no need to chase them. Right now youโre trapped in Tangipahoa Parish, but soon enough youโll find a summer job as a Benetton model.
And Bardwell, going with the some-of-my-best-customers-are-black defense, claims heโs no racist. Maybe he can prove it by doing a live, televised renewal of the Heeneโs vows, followed by the Tangipahoa Department of Child Services taking the three Heene boys into protective custody.
The Heene story is a mystery yet to fully unfold, but in a way, Bardwellโs case is an even bigger puzzle. Heโs worried about the children of biracial unions. But what, exactly, is he worried about?
That theyโll suffer the sad fate of Tiger Woods, facing the burden of becoming the worldโs first billionaire athleteโor worse, the Woodsโ children, whoโll one day have to figure out what to do with all that money. Maybe heโs afraid theyโll grow up like Betty Nguyen, forced spend every Saturday morning of her life anchoring CNNโs weekend coverage. Or maybe heโs worried that theyโll grow up like Barack Obama and suffer the confusing fate of having a white American mom, a black Kenyan dad, and a half-Indonesian sister, then having Glenn Beck come to the patently obvious conclusion that Obamaโs a โracist.โ
We donโt know whether or not the story about young Falcon is genuineโfor that matter, we donโt know if this justice of the peace is for real, eitherโbut at a minimum, itโs safe to say that if youโre an interracial couple planning to pull off a balloon publicity stunt with one of your kids, you might want to think about naming him something other than Falcon. Next time, try โHussein.โ
David Swerdlick is a regular contributor to The Root. Follow him on Twitter.
David Swerdlick is an associate editor atย The Root.ย Follow him on Twitter.ย
Straight From
Sign up for our free daily newsletter.