Fly Little Biracial Balloon Boy, Fly…

If you happen to be a biracial kid stuck growing up in a miscegenation-phobic time-warp like Tangipahoa Parish, La., where Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell apparently refuses to marry interracial couples because he feels โ€œthe children will suffer later,โ€ then you, at some point, might have dreamed of floating away in your fatherโ€™s helium…

If you happen to be a biracial kid stuck growing up in a miscegenation-phobic time-warp like Tangipahoa Parish, La., where Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell apparently refuses to marry interracial couples because he feels โ€œthe children will suffer later,โ€ then you, at some point, might have dreamed of floating away in your fatherโ€™s helium balloon across the plains to a more welcoming part of the country.

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The aptly named Falcon Heeneโ€”would-be renegade balloon pilot and biracial superstar of the weekโ€”almost made it happenโ€ฆ

Almost.

We donโ€™t know whether or not the nationโ€™s momentary fear that young Falcon was trapped in a homemade balloon craft sailing through the Colorado skies was real or a hoax, but for the record, those of us fortunate enough to grow up in masala-friendly hamlets like D.C.โ€™s Adams Morgan, Brooklynโ€™s Fort Greene or Oaklandโ€™s Rockridge would have welcomed the sight of one of our biracial brethren floating โ€œhomeโ€ in a silver getaway orb.

Fortunately for Heene, it turned out that he was safe on the ground the whole time. Unfortunately for him, he might be the one biracial kid in America that Bardwell really should worry about.

No Justice, No Peace

Bardwell turned down Beth Humphrey and Terence McKayโ€™s request to get married, saying, โ€œI donโ€™t do interracial marriages because I donโ€™t want to put children in a situation they didnโ€™t bring on themselves.โ€ If by โ€œsituation,โ€ he means having your parents drag you out on all the major networks to tell the story of a runaway balloon journey that you didnโ€™t take, then yeah, thatโ€™s a concern. If Bardwell means being born and then later in life coming across a justice of the peace whose Internet is so slow that he still hasnโ€™t heard that the Supreme Court settled Loving v. Virginia 42 years ago, then he has a point there, too.

Interracial Wife Swap

Now thereโ€™s a show that has โ€œNo.1 in its time slotโ€ written all over it.

Last year, parents Mayumi and Richard Heene and their three sons were a hit on Wife Swap. Itโ€™s possible they got bit by the fame bug, and after seeing Jon & Kate Plus 8 implode, they figured the world was finally ready for a science/travel โ€œrealityโ€ show about a โ€œfringeโ€ scientist, his wife and their three hapa sons.

Too bad they didnโ€™t go for the obvious blockbuster, โ€œInterracial Wife Swapโ€โ€”the show where a white/Asian couple and a black/Latino couple switch off and sexy, taboo, madcap hi-jinx ensues.

Storm Chasers, Indeed

Reportedly, the Heenes are amateur storm chasers. For a 6-year-old like Falcon, itโ€™s probably more exciting than, say, eating your veggies or doing your homework, but itโ€™s also just a tad insane. A word of advice to all the young mixed kids out there: Being biracial in America is enough of an adventureโ€”storms find you; thereโ€™s no need to chase them. Right now youโ€™re trapped in Tangipahoa Parish, but soon enough youโ€™ll find a summer job as a Benetton model.

And Bardwell, going with the some-of-my-best-customers-are-black defense, claims heโ€™s no racist. Maybe he can prove it by doing a live, televised renewal of the Heeneโ€™s vows, followed by the Tangipahoa Department of Child Services taking the three Heene boys into protective custody.

The Heene story is a mystery yet to fully unfold, but in a way, Bardwellโ€™s case is an even bigger puzzle. Heโ€™s worried about the children of biracial unions. But what, exactly, is he worried about?

That theyโ€™ll suffer the sad fate of Tiger Woods, facing the burden of becoming the worldโ€™s first billionaire athleteโ€”or worse, the Woodsโ€™ children, whoโ€™ll one day have to figure out what to do with all that money. Maybe heโ€™s afraid theyโ€™ll grow up like Betty Nguyen, forced spend every Saturday morning of her life anchoring CNNโ€™s weekend coverage. Or maybe heโ€™s worried that theyโ€™ll grow up like Barack Obama and suffer the confusing fate of having a white American mom, a black Kenyan dad, and a half-Indonesian sister, then having Glenn Beck come to the patently obvious conclusion that Obamaโ€™s a โ€œracist.โ€

We donโ€™t know whether or not the story about young Falcon is genuineโ€”for that matter, we donโ€™t know if this justice of the peace is for real, eitherโ€”but at a minimum, itโ€™s safe to say that if youโ€™re an interracial couple planning to pull off a balloon publicity stunt with one of your kids, you might want to think about naming him something other than Falcon. Next time, try โ€œHussein.โ€

David Swerdlick is a regular contributor to The Root. Follow him on Twitter.

David Swerdlick is an associate editor atย The Root.ย Follow him on Twitter.ย 

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