Five Reasons Why Tidal Is NOT The Illuminati

Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images for TIDAL
Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images for TIDAL

Yesterday, a Jay Z-lead cohort of the people invited to Beyonce's last spades party had some sort of press conference to announce they were taking their collective talents to Tidal, some sort of streaming service. Naturally, considering the people involved, what they're attempting to do, and the fact that Alicia Keys was asked to speak, there was wide speculation that this is definitely the Illuminati doing some Illuminati-ass shit. I, however, do not believe that this is definitely the Illuminati doing some Illuminati-ass shit.


Why? Glad you asked…

1. Aside from communicating with aliens and determining the order of the NBA draft lottery, the point of the Illuminati is to secretly control the world's finances. Holding a press conference to announce your plans to invest in a service that has a 91% chance of not making any money seems to contradict that.

2. This press conference took place on a Monday. Everyone knows the Illuminati holds their meetings on the third Wednesday of every month, just like the Urban League Young Professionals of Greater Pittsburgh.

3. Drake was not there. This would seem to not be aligned with the Illuminati's plan of allowing light-skinned Black men to make a comeback, which is part of their bigger plan to allow this boost in light-skinndedness to increase Kappa membership, which is part of their bigger plan to boost national sales of texturizer. Because 42% of texturizer stock is secretly owned by the yet-to-be-discovered third Koch brother, Jerome Koch, and this will help fund his 2020 run for president.

So, no Drake, no Illuminati.

4. Because the word "Tidal" derives from "Tide", which, according to this very nice online etymology dictionary I found a few minutes ago, is either a native evolution or from Middle Low German "getide." "Getide" starts with "get." And this is crucial, because "get" actually derives from the Ole English phrase "Get out of here, Illuminati." So, for obvious reasons, you can see why something named "Tidal" totally isn't the Illuminati.


5. Because Kanye is wearing a black sweatshirt. If this sweatshirt is black, it's probably not red. And if Kanye's sweatshirt appears to be black instead of red, it means he's NOT covered in virgin sheep's blood. And we all know that Kanye, who is confirmed to be in the Illuminati, does not appear at Illuminati meetings unless dipped in the fresh blood of a recently slayed virgin sheep. No Kanye dripping with the fresh blood of a recently slayed virgin sheep, no Illuminati.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)


God Shammgod

My biggest question is how in the world is this scalable. Spotify is stiffing artists with a much larger subscriber base and is still hemorrhaging money. Tidal is banking on offering artists twice as much money to get content first but doesnt have nearly as many subscribers and presumably their discography is going to expand….who is doing their business planning?