Like 98 percent of black people, I am not a Donald Trump fan and wish he had never been elected. I think we should make that clear. I despise everything from his Vienna-sausage-sized fingers to his ethnic cleansing political agenda. But since
white people a majority of Caucasian voters selected him to be the commander in chief, I think of his presidency in the same way I think of the time my daughter begged me for a pet gerbil and tired of it after a few weeks.
And I think that, instead of doing what I did (I told her I’d return it to the pet store, but I just opened the cage in the backyard, where it was likely eaten by my dog, after which he came inside and threw up on the carpet, costing me $246.19 for a visit to the veterinarian, who told me, “He probably just ate something that upset his stomach”), America should have to keep our pet Trump for four years.
Here’s why we shouldn’t get rid of him:
1. White people will be furious.
Can you imagine how mad wypipo will be if we take down Nazi Elvis? Do you know how many “Make America Great Again” hats they’d have to throw away? Do you want to go to work with Kathy and hear how unfair it is that we allowed a Muslim to serve eight years, but a true Christian white man of God was taken down by the “deep state” liberal agenda?
And who’s gonna clean up all those brain remnants mixed with Pabst Blue Ribbon when Sean Hannity’s head explodes? How is America supposed to be great again without Trump? What are we supposed to tell our kids? (I don’t actually know what that means, but I know a staple of every white argument rests on what they are supposed to tell their kids.)
2. Mike Pence will be president.
The problem with impeaching White Supremacist George Washington is that he will be replaced by Mike Pence. Remember how we thought that killing Osama bin Laden would somehow weaken the terrorists, but instead we got a souped-up version of al-Qaida instead? Well, Pence is like Trump without a Twitter account.
If you look at Pence’s record, the only difference between the two is that Pence actually knows how to play the political game. The agenda at the White House wouldn’t change, but Pence has the political experience to actually carry it out.
In fact, many of Trump’s controversial pledges that pundits doubt will become law because of their unconstitutionality are derivatives of laws that Pence actually managed to get passed as governor of Indiana. Pence banned Syrian refugees long before Trump created his travel ban. Trump’s toothless “religious freedom” executive order actually became law in Indiana. Before Attorney General Jeff Sessions reinstated mandatory minimum sentences, Pence did it in Indiana as governor. Pence authored a bill to defund Planned Parenthood seven years ago. Trump thinks it’s OK to grab women “by the pussy,” but Pence actually tried to redefine rape as “forcible rape.”
Imagine all the crazy ideas running around in Trump’s pea brain.
Now imagine if there were someone who could make them all come true.
3. I’m still waiting on the Moscow pee video.
Look, if we impeach Trump before I get to see the video of him surrounded by Russian prostitutes emptying their bladders all over his bloated orange body, I’m fighting somebody.
I don’t even want to necessarily see the video; I just want it to be seen. I want the world to see it. The anticipation of it is the only thing getting me through this dumpster fire of a presidency. All I’m living for is that when Trump has passed on into the great beyond, every story, documentary and mention of the 45th president of the United States will have to say something about how he paid a few hundred rubles to be covered in Soviet urine.
4. The Republican Party.
Republicans stood behind Trump as their nominee, but now that they realize he is a sociopathic dictator who may be losing his marbles one by one, they want to stand up to him. The crazier he gets, the more the GOP calls him out.
Nah, bruh. Y’all created this mess. Own it.
Impeaching Trump would basically be giving a do-over to the party that was willing to do anything for power—including letting Great Value Hitler lead it. They are now trying to distance themselves from someone who embraces Russia’s election tampering and white supremacy.
I don’t want Trump impeached before he destroys the entire party. He’s doing an excellent job exposing conservative ideas as bullshit. We had to sit and listen to them hate on Obamacare for seven years, but when Trump took office, the entire country saw that the Republicans didn’t even have a plan. They talked about Mexicans and Muslims but have yet to pass comprehensive immigration reform.
During the Obama years, they hated so hard, but now, even with the House, the Senate and the presidency, they can’t get shit done. The Trump presidency is proving that they are just obstructionists devoid of ideas except how to keep themselves in power. I want him to stay until their national convention is nothing but South Carolina, NRA members and Ben Carson.
5. We might have to take some people back.
I’m not sure how it works, but if Trump is kicked out of office, does that mean we have to take Omarosa back? Will we have to allow Carson to crash the cookout? I’ve read the Constitution thoroughly, but there isn’t a clause about whether we are required to invite the people who sold us out for Orange-Sherbet Stalin to the cookout.
I’m not saying these people aren’t black, but I clearly remember trading Paris Dennard in the third round of the 2016 racial draft. I even recall the conversation:
The blacks: We’d like to offer you Paris Dennard, Stacey Dash and Jason Whitlock.
Wypipo: And who would you like in return? We are prepared to offer you Justin Bieber, Iggy Azalea and a Kardashian to be named later.
The blacks: [Long pause.] You know what? We good ...
... unless y’all want this gerbil.