Last night, President Barack Obama began the farewell tour of his presidency with his final State of the Union address. It's already been established that he's shrouded in a cloak of no fucks; his fuck-drained cape flapping in the wind as he breezes past for one final lap. And, by virtue of being the first — and probably the last for a while — Black president, everything he does at this point is demonstratively and unambiguously Black by default. The only question is the degree of Blackness.
Which brings us back to the State of the Union address. We know it was Black, but exactly how Black was it? On the Blackness scale from one (Rachel Dolezal) to 10 (Marcus Garvey), where did it rate? Let's see!
It started late: The first Black president starting his last State of the Union on CPT is good for 3.5 Black points.
When he walked in and greeted everyone, I couldn't help but think of the Key and Peele code switch meet and greet skit: Although President Obama didn't actually do it, the mere possibility of him doing it — and how tickled that possibility made me — is good for 2.5 Black points.
Opens with a joke about keeping it short: The no-fucks-left Black president very obviously kept it short because he was trying to make it to last call at Marvin's off U Street. This deserves 5 Black points.
Shots at Trump all night long without actually saying his name: This was basically the SOTU equivalent of the "SOMEBODY needs to act right before SOMEBODY finds a shank in their spleen" Facebook status message, which is good for 14.5 Black points.
Being extremely proud that gas was under $2 a gallon: Remember, President Obama isn't just Black. He's a middle-aged Black man. And no one has ever been happier about anything than middle-aged Black men get about cheap gas. This alone is worth 23 Black points.
Refers to the military as the finest fighting force in the history of mankind: This hyperbole was Black enough, but it would have been even Blacker if he threw a shout-out to Shaka Zulu or Grey Worm and the Unsullied in there too. This gets 1 Black point.
Literally says "Ask Osama bin Laden about me": You know how Black it is to tell someone to ask a dead person a question about you? I don't know either. But I do know it's pretty damn Black, and worth at least 70 Black points.
Also says America has a long memory: In the words of Cardi B, if you have beef with America today, you have beef with America…FOREVER! 127 Black points were earned here.
Credits American doctors with single-handedly stopping Ebola and saving the lives of millions of people: Is this even true? Who knows? All I know is that this is the type of thing said by someone with AWOL fucks, which is good for 122 Black points.
A prolonged camera shot of Kim Davis happened during the speech: Since Darth Average herself, Abigail Fisher, couldn't be there, it's apropos that Kim Davis, the human equivalent of a month-old baby's burp cloth, was there in her stead, reminding everyone of the prominence and deliciousness of White Tears. Although President Obama likely had nothing to do with this, this earns him 240 Black points by default.
Edith Childs was there too: Just in case we happened to forget how Black Obama's presidency has been, the camera also focused in on Edith Childs, a woman who was a Greenwood, South Carolina, county council member. And also happens to be a conglomeration of everyone's Black grandmother. She's even your grandmother's grandmother. Seriously, look at her!
To quote Luvvie, "Cranky, bedazzled and judging everyone. She’s sitting there like she wants to take a switch to Paul Ryan’s non-clapping ass." Her presence is worth 1,200 Black points.
And First Lady Michelle Obama was there too: Our Black president is married to this woman:
This is worth 27,000 Black points.
He didn't say anything about #BlackLivesMatter: His "The protester determined to prove that justice matters" line was an obvious nod to the movement. But a nod isn't the same as a direct verbal acknowledgement. Some have argued a mention wasn't necessary, which might be true. But, whether that's true or not, it still didn't happen, and that's good for -15 Black points.
The SOTU address was a live-tweetable event: Both Panama and Shamira alluded to this already this week. But perhaps the thing I'll miss the most about having the Obama family in the White House is how their presence managed to galvanize and inspire so many of us. Who else is going to turn a freakin State of the Union Address into an event that gets the type of coverage reserved for awards shows and Scandal season premieres?
This alone is good for 1.4 billion Black points. Which, effectively, breaks the Blackness scale.