Illustration for article titled Everything I Know About White People I Learned on Social Media
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I use social media as a learning tool.

Because I work around Black people, live with Black people and even care for a black dog in one of the Blackest cities in America, the only insight I have into white lives is checking out the Caucasian internet or watching reruns of a documentary series called Friends (You guys would love it. It’s about white people not locking their doors while living in an idyllic, crime-free all-white utopia called “Manhattan.”)  

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Anyway, many of you may know a lot of this stuff if you have white associates. But here are some of the things I learned from the world white web.

1. They’re really concerned about Chicago.

I don’t subscribe to the premise of white supremacy but white people actually display racial superiority in one area. No matter when you ask, somehow they are able to know exactly how many people died in Chicago on a particular weekend.

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Even though Chicago doesn’t have one of the top 30 homicide rates in America, if you dare mention police brutality, racism, mass shootings or any kind of violence, white people will immediately bring up Chicago.

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2. They will believe anything.

It’s interesting how they will watch Fox News reports about antifa, believe that the coronavirus is a conspiracy, and automatically subscribe to the words of a known liar like Donald Trump. But they refuse to believe facts, statistics and actual data about anything that flies in the face of their beliefs.

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One of my favorite recent conspiracy theories is (and I’m sorry to send you down this rabbit hole) is the number of people who believe the George Floyd killing is a hoax created by Obama and the “deep state.”

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3. But “not all white people”

Because I have one of the most popular names in America, I must admit that I am conditioned to assume people aren’t talking about me when they say the name “Michael” or even use the phrase “Black people.”

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When mechanics say you should change your oil every 5,000 miles, people in electric cars don’t pipe up with “not all cars!” White people, however, don’t possess the mental acuity to recognize that the phrase “white people” isn’t referring to “all white people” because no one ever means “all.”

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For instance, a Black guy named Michael just got shot in Chicago.

I don’t think I’m bleeding.

4. They’ll tell you what they didn’t do.

White people never reveal the singular moments in their life when they committed an act of racism. They will, however, remind you of how many slaves their ancestors didn’t own, how many black friends they have, the full accounting of negro blood is in their extended family and that one time they stopped someone from being racist.

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And I can say this because one of my sisters has two white children.

They’re adopted.

And yes, Cabbage Patch Kids do count. Stop being racist.

5. They have a different hygiene regimen.

I have a theory: the white people who refuse to wear masks are the same white people don’t wash their legs. I bet if we searched these people’s homes, we’d find out that they used shampoo for body soap and didn’t own a single washcloth.

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One day we’re gonna learn that the racial wealth gap was all that money white people saved not taking long showers, buying washcloths or using extra soap on their extremities.

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And I know some people are going to read this post and say that I’m being a reverse racist and add:

“What if I said all Black people were criminals because that’s what I saw on Instagram?”

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My response?

“Who said ‘all?’

See... I’m learning.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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