Republican congressional candidate Troy Balderson celebrates after giving his victory speech at his election night party at the DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel on August 7, 2018 in Newark, Ohio. With less than 1 percent of the votes separating the candidates, the race between Balderson and Democratic challenger O’Connor was left too close to call, with Balderson holding onto the slight lead as the evening ended.
Photo: Justin Merriman (Getty Images)

In theory, the Green Party is vitally necessary for a two-party system with party platforms so rigid and legacy-laced that not all potential candidates can get with either of them. I get it.

But in practice, the Green Party has become a catch-all for wackos and faux-Democrats who wouldn’t have a shot in hell in winning the dominant parties’ bids to continue fucking up the country for the rest of us.

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Ohio’s congressional special election on Tuesday between Republican Troy Balderson and Democrat Danny O’Connor is so close that less than 1 percent separates the winner from the eventual loser. While the race is essentially a practice run for November midterms, it was a prime opportunity to send a strong message to the Trump administration. A Democratic victory in Ohio, a state Trump won handily in the 2016 presidential election, would signal to Trump that America is tired of his bullshit.

Enter: Green Party candidate Joe Manchik.

Who is Joe Manchik? Who the fuck knows. He’s just a white guy with a braided ponytail who gave this disastrous interview while wearing a peace symbol T-shirt, in which he couldn’t even remember what a debit card is and had trouble articulating how to donate on his own campaign website.

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Joe Manchik couldn’t even remember his own fucking website! And yet, Joe Manchik is also responsible for winning over 1,100 votes, or some 0.6 percent of votes that probably would have gone to O’Connor.

And that’s my biggest beef with the Green Party; your LaVar Ball-ish sideshow shit is taking votes from viable Democratic candidates who are actually trying to implement change.

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Let’s be clear, Green Party, at this point I’m convinced that you’re colluding with Russia just to piss America off. You’re the political equivalent of the guy who comes to basketball practice high and keeps missing free throws, causing the rest of us has to run suicides.

The chair of the Green Party—whoever that is—knows this. You’re running a shit show at a time when America is arguably the closest it has ever been to revisiting a civil rights-style race war. We currently have a regime in office that would love nothing more than to go back to an era with segregated water fountains and bathrooms (That’s not hyperbole. They have actually proposed bathroom laws.)

White supremacy is not only alive, it’s been emboldened by the highest office in the land. And the Green Party is tricking the votes. And yes, I’m looking at you Jill Stein and all the Stein-ettes who went into the election booth in November 2016 and threw away your votes on a person who had a snowball’s chance in the current White House of winning a rap battle, much less the presidency.

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In 2016, one could argue (and that “one” would be me) that Stein cost Hillary Clinton, she of the less deplorable views than the assbag in office, three pivotal states: Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.

While we can’t assume that all of Stein’s votes would have automatically gone to Clinton, I think it’s safe to assume that Stein’s liberal leanings are more suited for Dems than the GOP. It would be one thing if the Green Party was actually in the game; but at this point, the Green Party is just a drunken, butt-naked streaker who runs onto the field and fucks up the game for everyone.

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I’m not saying that the Green Party doesn’t have a place or a voice, but sometimes, especially when the world is on the heels of burning to the ground, maybe the Green Party could just have a seat while grown folks are talking.