Dumber Than a 5th-Grader: Donald Trump Plans to Build a Wall Around Colorado

Photo: Mark Wilson (Getty Images)

Budget analysts, pundits, and anyone who made it past third-grade social studies was stunned to hear the shocking news that the Trump administration planned to extend his border wall into Colorado.

On Wednesday evening, Trump spoke before a soldout crowd in Pittsburgh. (The low-information, magenta-necked supporters in the audience didn’t actually purchase tickets, but many of Trump’s xenophobic, “racially resentful” supporters in attendance were complicit in helping the shit-for-brains, glorified real estate agent-turned-president sell America to Vladimir Putin for pennies on the dollar).

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During one brief segment of the hourlong rambling session, the president of people who have recipes for roadkill (which invariably tell them to season it with “a dash of salt”), Trump rolled out his plans to build his Mexican border wall around a state that doesn’t border Mexico, according to the Associated Press.

“We’re building a wall in Colorado,” the president yelled to the hill of Billies. “We’re building a beautiful wall, a big one that really works, that you can’t get over, you can’t get under.”

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This is your brain on drugs:

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The news came as a surprise to the Rocky Mountain state’s Democratic Governor, Jared Polis, who won the job on the strength of his popular weight-loss campaign with Subway. (Like Donald Trump, I don’t bother with that fact-checking bullshit.)

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Many social media analysts were also unaware that Colorado shared a border with Mexico—which is only a short, 500-mile drive away from the southernmost part of the country:

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Instead of mocking this, we should also consider the other parts of Trump’s infrastructure plan, which the White House will probably roll out soon:

  • A plan to fight global warming by cleaning up the beaches of Kansas.
  • Revitalizing the Florida economy with the Trump ski resort.
  • Moving the Mount Rushmore National Memorial to Washington D.C. where it belongs.
  • Ending race-based admissions and offering scholarships to the most important educational institution in America—the Electoral College.
  • By the end of his presidency, NASA astronauts and the Space Force will finally put a man on the sun.
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Maybe we do need a wall around Colorado. All that legal weed could ruin people’s brains. America doesn’t need any more stupid people.

The president has that demographic covered.

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.