Donald Trump Is Scared AF

Illustration for article titled Donald Trump Is Scared AF
Photo: Chip Somodevilla (Getty Images)

Despite the liar-in-chief’s previous statement that he probably wouldn’t watch the highly anticipated House hearings on Wednesday, he started off his morning rage-tweeting in fear that his “no obstruction, no collusion” mantra would finally be exposed as complete and utter horseshit—which, according to The Root’s research, is denser and much more putrid than bullshit but chemically similar to fuckshit.


On Monday, Donald Trump told reporters in the Oval Office that he had no interest in former special counsel Robert Mueller’s appearance before the House Judiciary Committee and the House Intelligence Committee on Wednesday, CNN reported.

“No, I’m not going to be watching,” Trump told reporters before immediately recanting. “Probably, maybe I’ll see a little bit of it. I’m not going to be watching Mueller because you can’t take all those bites out of the apple. We had no collusion, no obstruction.”

But after waking up in the custom-made coffin outfitted with tanning lights by the team at Pimp My Casket, the president began his morning with a string of tweets attacking Democrats for wanting to question the man who Trump says “totally exonerated” him.

For the sake of transparency, I must admit that I have seen this behavior when I was 7 years old during an investigation into one of the most heinous crimes imaginable. One day, my mother noticed a rancid smell and a cloud of smoke emanating from the room where my sisters and I were supposed to be napping. She burst into the room and discovered that someone had set the sock drawer on fire, prompting a yearslong investigation into the Case of the Sock Drawer Arsonist.


Just like most desperate criminals, Trump deflected, screamed and blamed everyone else. Instead of doing what my sisters did and blaming it on a possible burglar or (I swear, this is true) the possibility that my family’s house was haunted, Trump blamed James Comey, Democrats, Lisa Page, Andrew McCabe, Fusion GPS and, of course, Hillary Clinton’s emails. But, like my mom, no one was buying it.


Then Trump just started babbling in all caps the same way my sisters did after special counsel Dorothy Harriot finished her investigation and concluded that she was just going to whip everybody’s ass. Trump was falling apart and everyone could see it.


Now, he’s just retweeting Fox News...


But according to Trump, he’s totally innocent, just like my oldest sister assured my mother she was before revealing, years later, that she was the one who set the sock drawer on fire. Even worse, my youngest sister knew it and didn’t tell my mother. And like my sisters’ collusion and obstruction, Trump is probably going to get away with it because it’s pretty hard to find out if someone is colluding and obstructing justice when they are actively colluding and obstructing justice.


While America was napping, the Trump administration took the Constitution, American democracy and the concept of justice, stuffed them in a drawer and set everything on fire.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


Rooo sez BISH PLZ

He’s been criming crimes for at least half a century, literally. So ... I’m fine with that being his baseline emotional state, sure.

Anybody who shares a bank with his party buddy Jeffrey Epstein that’s already had to pay billions in fines for Russian money laundering ... I’m fairly sure has a bushelful of stuff in his tax returns I’m quite sure he doesn’t want anybody to see.

Andrew McCabe, Craig Unger, Pro Publica and CitizenJourno Are All Saying the Same Things About the Russian Mafia & the Trump Organization