The Donald Trump adviser who solved Chicago’s violence problem in early 2017 by speaking to some of the city’s “top gang thugs” has received approval from the White House to invite Kanye West, Colin Kaepernick, Jim Brown and Mike Tyson to a summit to discuss race in America.
What could go wrong?
According to HuffPost, Cleveland pastor Darrell Scott is organizing a black-only event sponsored by the Trump administration to iron out all the problems in black America. While the event is still in the planning phase, Tyson, Brown, Kaepernick and West are some of the names that have been bandied about.
“These are conversations we’ve been having for several months now with the White House,” the reverend told TMZ. (Although I must point out that I am unaware of anyone who has reverence for anyone who wears their hat backward.) “It’s just that the Kanye situation kind of heated it up a little bit more.”
Scott said that he has reached out to “someone who knows” Kaepernick to extend an invitation, and even though Scott has only mentioned the names of athletes and musicians, I hereby submit my name for nomination to receive what I assume will be a laser-jet-printed invitation with only two or three misspelled words.
Lord and savior, I ask you in the name of the almighty T’Challa Jenkins, please let me bear witness to this shit-show dumpster fire.
The fact that Trump and the good Rev. Dr. Stepinfetchit believe that the most qualified people to iron out the intricate details of race, class and culture are a Kardashian, an old man who was hard to tackle, a guy who beat people up and a guy who throws a nice deep ball is indicative of what Scott and the entire Trump administration think about black people.
I would call it racist if not for the fact that Trump has previously drafted a woman who never stepped foot inside a classroom to lead the Department of Education, and put a sleepy-eyed ex-surgeon in charge of the Department of Housing and Urban Development. He’s stupid and he’s racist.
But I still want to go. I want to see Kaepernick call Kanye a bitch-ass nigga. I want to hear Tyson say, “Bwack Liveth Matter,” and call the whole thing “thilly” as he tries to stop Brown from punching Candace Owens in the face. (It’s not that Brown disagrees with Owens; he just apparently likes hitting black women in the face. I hear it’s kinda his thing.) Of course Stephen A. Smith will be in the room using the most syllables possible to say nothing.
But most of all, I want to be in the rapture. Because if Kanye West walks into a room wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat and Colin Kaepernick enters wearing his Malcolm X T-shirt, I’m pretty sure Yeezy’s negative aura will repel Kap’s positive energy, causing a tear in the space-time continuum, ripping the sky apart, and thus summoning Jesus Herbert Christ back to Earth to announce the beginning of the apocalypse.
Trust me, I’m the most nonreligious person you’ve ever met, but if this happens, I’ll change my mind because this would prove to me that there is a God. The only drawback I can possibly see in any of this is that when Jesus comes back in his platinum chariot to break up this epic fight, Ray Lewis will take credit for it all (you know he’ll be there).
Ray’s just gonna come out of the meeting as the final trumpet sounds and tell everyone that he wasn’t playing respectability politics; nor does he agree with the Negro-hating Trump administration. When you saw him on his knees licking Diamond’s (or Silk’s) boots ...
He was just praying.