Does Tristan Thompson Have More Side Chicks or Post Moves? (An Investigation)

Illustration for article titled Does Tristan Thompson Have More Side Chicks or Post Moves? (An Investigation)
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Here are the facts.

Tristan Thompson plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers. At the moment, he is the third-best Canadian in the NBA, a fact that doesn’t mean anything, but somehow also means everything. He is also a new dad today (congrats!) after his girlfriend Khloé Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl. This is Kardashian’s first child and Thompson’s second. Thompson is busy.


Earlier this week, it was revealed that he has had at least three side chicks in the past year. Two of those women were seen, on camera, caressing his dick at a hookah lounge. The third, a woman identified as interpretive bartender Lani Blair, was seen entering a hotel with Thompson last weekend while carrying an overnight bag.

Again, these are just the verified facts. And I’m not very interested in speculating about the state of Thompson and Kardashian’s relationship. Instead, I’m here to ask the hard questions. The hardest question. The question that is incrementally harder than the other questions that might be asked.

The question that isn’t really all that hard, but was assigned an arbitrary level of hardness by me two sentences ago to make this seem much more difficult than it actually is.

Does Tristan Thompson have more side chicks or post moves?

Now, the answer to this question appears to be obvious. “Of course he has more post moves than side chicks!” I can imagine you saying, exasperated by the thought. “He’s an NBA champion, a starter on one of the best teams in the league, and he’s a gotdamn Canadian. Of course he has more than three post moves, you rascal!”

What would seem obvious becomes less obvious if you watch Tristan Thompson play basketball. To be fair, he is not a bad NBA player. He can be, in certain contexts, extremely effective. He’s one of the league’s best offensive rebounders, and one of the few big men with the size and strength and length to battle in the post who’s also quick and agile enough to switch onto guards.

But, as someone who has seen (at least) 200 games Thompson has played since being drafted by the Cavs, I can say he has exactly three ways of scoring in the half court:

1. Grab an offensive rebound and put it back.

2. As the roll guy in a pick-and-roll, catch a lob and dunk it.

3. As the roll guy in a pick-and-roll, catch a pocket pass and hurl a one-handed floater toward the hoop in hopes of it not flying over the backboard.


(Sidenote: This may seem limited, but it is a definitive improvement on Thompson’s scoring efforts his first three years in the league, which saw him catching the ball underneath the basket, taking 17 seconds to gather himself and then jumping up with the ball in both hands to see it get punched into the stands. Watch this clip, and then imagine that happening to him three times a game.)

Anyway, this is the extent of Tristan Thompson’s scoring. If he does happen to get the ball in the post with the expectation of doing an actual move to attempt to score, it is an accident. Something has gone terribly wrong with that offensive possession.


Seeing him with the ball in the post is like seeing a kitten with a machete taped to its paw. You don’t know what happened to get it there, but you just know it must have been very bad.

In summary, Tristan Thompson has no post moves, so this was a trick question!

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)



I know a few men that has participated in the juggling act and I don’t know how-in the-fuck they commit. Aside from the pain that’s being inflicted, the notion of balancing various relationships/situationships with the aid of telling lies and money... *sputters*

That’s too much fucking work!