Rapper DMX at the 2012 Rock the Bells Festival press conference and Fan Appreciation Party on at Santos Party House on June 13, 2012, in New York City
Photo: Mike Lawrie (Getty Images)

Look, I’m not one to question anyone’s credentials, but when I heard the cockamamy scheme that attorneys for DMX have planned—to play his music at a Thursday sentencing hearing—the first thing I thought was, “Welp, someone has finally made him lose his mind, up in here, up in here ... ”

That’s not a joke. The Associated Press reports that Murray Richman, the lawyer who is helping Earl “Dark Man X” Simmons at his upcoming tax-evasion sentencing, will play a few of DMX’s compositions at the hearing. As a former prosecutor, I must say that I don’t think the “Stop, drop, hold ’em down and open up shop” defense is going to work. (Although I never went to law school or took the bar exam, everyone on cable news is a “former prosecutor,” so I’m going to start calling myself one to see if it sticks.)

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Forty-seven-year-old Simmons has been in jail since U.S. District Judge Jed Rakoff revoked his bail for failure to comply with the conditions of his release. X owes $1.7 million in back taxes for money he earned between 2010 and 2015. Although court transcripts do not show him saying “X gon’ give it to ya,” DMX claims that the money was taken from him by managers and agents.

I hope this works, but when I was in law school (I watched a lot of episodes of Law & Order and Judge Judy during the late ’90s, which kind of makes me an attorney) and in all of my year practicing law (arguing at the barbershop), I have never heard of the “Get at me, dog” legal precedent. But DMX’s lawyer seems to think it will help the judge “understand him genuinely in his voice.”

I must point out that DMX’s voice does sound as if he started smoking unfiltered Benson & Hedges when he was 4 years old, but if he starts barking in court, there is a risk that he could be ruled in contempt or I could die from laughing.

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Richman is proposing that Dark Man be “studied” for 60 days by qualified consultants and then set free. The attorney argues that Simmons is now drug-free—Iyanla Vanzant having fixed his life; X has a lot of scheduled gigs; and the emcee can’t pay his back taxes or support his 15 children if he is locked up in prison.

Yes, that is correct. 15. One-five. A dozen plus three. A dime and a nickel.

While this story may not seem important to you, it gives us the opportunity to once again play one of the greatest videos of all time: Ladies and gentlemen, here is DMX singing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”:

While I don’t know if playing DMX songs will set him free or send him to a federal prison so he can finally find out “Where the hood at?” I wish I could be there to witness this in person.

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Finally, as a former prosecutor, I must point out, with Sisqo as my witness, that DMX publicly asked in 1999 what these bitches want from a nigga.

Is it his fault that no one answered?

I rest my case.