Dear Taco Bell, you a rude motherfucker, yo.
How you gonna just go and drop the Mexican Pizza from your menu? HOW, SWAY? For why? According to CNN, which I’m pretty sure also enjoys a solid Mexican Pizza, here are the facts:
Taco Bell is eliminating five more menu items, marking the second time in less than three months that it overhauled its selection.
Beginning November 5, Taco Bell will be dropping Mexican Pizza, pico de gallo and shredded chicken from the menu. Taco Bell assured fans on Thursday that this is the final time this year that it will change its menu, and the removals will “make room for new innovations.”
What in the entire fuck?
Let’s start with the fact that I have no idea if what you are selling as a Mexican Pizza would actually be called a Mexican Pizza in Mexico. I know a few Mexicans but have never asked this question. My bad. But if they like it too, are you then committing some kind of cultural erasure??? Hmmm, Taco Bell? Hmm? Lawsuits????? You want that problem? Leave the Mexican Pizza be.
But most importantly, how are you actually eliminating the item that is basically a flat version of another item you sell? It’s like two crunch tacos flattened together. Why would you do this? Why are you making my life difficult?
I already have to deal with enough judgment for continuing to eat (and get free colonics) at your fine establishment, but at least I knew I could always get my vaunted Mexican Pizza and two Tacos Supreme—crunchy tacos, natch—combo and shake off the haters because the food item was so good. But what now? What am I supposed to order now that will allow the judgment to roll off my back like a nice, cold Mountain Dew Baja Blast?
Allegedly, you’re looking to eliminate the item for eco-friendly concerns. Well, you will achieve part of that goal as the amount of traffic at Taco Bell is destined to fall once that item goes the way of the dodo bird. It’s the only thing I actually order at Taco Bell. Hell, it’s probably the only item I’ve ordered off your menu since I started eating at Taco Bell. If I pull up on an establishment and they say “We don’t have Mexican Pizzas today,” I’m not ordering something else; I’m leaving...on a jet plane; I don’t know if I’ll be back again. Kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you’ll wait for me. Hold me, like you’ll never let me goooooo...even though I know you will.
Taco Bell, you have me out here quoting John Denver songs. (OK, not really. I mean I am, but I’m actually quoting DJ Honda featuring Mos Def’s “Travellin’ Man,” in which Mos Def repurposes parts of the John Denver song, but I mean, you get the point.) I only do that when I’m really insistent that you change your mind. I know I’m not the only one; the only reason I know about this is that my Facebook feeds are full of people like “WTF TACO BELL THAT’S ALL I EAT AT TACO BELL WHEN I EAT AT TACO BELL.” There are lots of capital letters.
Cut the shit, Taco Bell. I can understand getting rid of seven-layer shit; that’s just too much laxative for one person at one time. But the Mexican Pizza...that’s the myth and the legend.
Not cool, Taco Bell. Not cool at all, bro.