Dear Republicans: Start Snitching


Dear members of the GOP and the Trump administration:

Remember when “stop snitching” was a thing? Do you remember how you laughed at its self-destructive stupidity and said it was harmful to our people? Can you recall how you said that anyone who cared about his or her community wouldn’t allow criminals to break the law without repercussions, and that true courage is speaking out when everyone else remains silent? Do you remember when you told us that exposing the truth makes neighborhoods safer?


Now that America’s entire neighborhood is being terrorized by a gaudy, Munchkin-fingered kingpin who makes his money from shady deals with an overseas connect, we need y’all to start snitching.

Why are Republicans and the Trump administration obstructing citizens from sharing valuable information with investigators and the public? While the FBI, intelligence agencies and Congress try to uncover whether Donald Trump’s traveling band of 1980s movie villains teamed up with the Kremlin to undermine the integrity of our electoral process, the very essence of American democracy hangs in the balance. We need you to show the pure-of-heart American values that you so loudly trumpet in stump speeches when you lob underhand shade at the “inner cities.”

Please don’t act as if you have no idea what I’m talking about, because I know that you understand the term “snitch.” If there’s one thing I know about white people, it’s that every one of you has watched The Wire and Goodfellas, so I’m sure you’re familiar with the word.

But every time I turn on cable TV news, I’m disturbed by two things:

1. This picture of Trump’s physics-defying hair:

Christopher Furlong/Getty Images

2. Republicans obstructing people who want to reveal valuable information about the Trump administration’s collusion with Russia.

We haven’t forgotten about the pervasive pearl-clutching when Carmelo Anthony appeared in a viral “stop snitching” hood video, but now, as Congress gears up to investigate how Russia’s propaganda machine managed to successfully overthrow the U.S. government, all the Republican Party wants to do is find out who’s leaking the inside information? I thought you said that was the brave thing to do, but now you refer to people inside the government who exposed a bumbling White House where the president doesn’t read executive orders before he signs them and watches TV all day as the “deep state”?


Politico reports:

In interviews, nearly a dozen White House aides and federal agency staffers described a litany of suspicions: that rival factions in the administration are trying to embarrass them, that civil servants opposed to President Donald Trump are trying to undermine him, and even that a “deep state” of career military and intelligence officials is out to destroy them.


I thought this was a good thing.

You said, “Anyone who cares about their community wouldn’t allow criminals to destroy it,” so why won’t you grant Michael Flynn immunity? Is it because he knows too much? Is it because you don’t want the public revelation that Flynn was receiving secret payments from foreign governments while he sat in on the national security team’s meetings? Isn’t that the definition of a spy? Or is it simply because Flynn looks like every middle school assistant principal who also coached girls’ softball?


I thought “neighborhoods are safer when the truth is exposed,” so why did you try to block Sally Yates from testifying? I know you were mad at the acting attorney general when she refused to defend your travel ban, but where was your community-minded ethos when the Justice Department banned her from speaking to the Senate, and Rep. Devin “the Dude” Nunes (R-Calif.) canceled a House intelligence subcommittee hearing to stop her from testifying, and ran to the White House to snitch out the snitchers?

First of all, how can you be mad at anyone named “Sally”? Sallies wear pigtails, ride ponies and wear ankle socks with pom-poms on them. I think you might be hiding something.


Obama knew. That’s why he hid “easter eggs” of information in intelligence reports and prayed that someone would squeal. In fact, had it not been for an anonymous tip from a CIA source, we wouldn’t know about any of this. There is no such thing as “too much information.”


Wait ... I take that back. After someone leaked the story about the Russian hookers and the golden shower, I can never erase the image in my head of Trump’s wet, sparse, carefully coiffed comb-over soaked in urine, with Soviet pee-pee dripping into the pale, untanned crevice between his second and third chin.

Maybe—as Trump says—Russia is a ruse. Maybe Trump is really too dumb and unorganized to plan something this complex. Maybe Russian agents are taking advantage of his dim-witted arrogance. In any case, we implore all Republicans, people inside the Trump administration and intelligence officials to spill the beans. Rat him out.


The only way we can truly find out if Trump plans to turn Washington, D.C., into the new Moscow is if people with inside knowledge step forward. If you really are true Americans, then it’s time you started leaking like a Trump Tower orgy. We need you. The country needs you.

Start snitching.

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.