Before we begin this article, I need to reveal that a few weeks ago, I swore a solemn oath to the gods of hot sauce and ankle lotion that I would never publicly refer to a black person as a “coon.” I didn’t know I would be tested this soon.
This morning started off great. I woke up and made myself a collard-green-and-chitlin smoothie (not really, but I know that’s what some people think black millennials eat for breakfast), did a few police leaps (or—as they were formerly called—jumping jacks) and went to work.
I was still high off watching the white allies win the World Wypipo Tournament when I read a Fox News report about Jimmie Walker being a Donald Trump supporter.
I love Good Times. Notice that sentence is not in the past tense. I’ve seen every episode. Even now, if I run across it while channel surfing, I can’t pass it by.
Because of it, I know that Thelma Evans was the finest woman who ever appeared in front of a camera. I know that the Awesome Foursome (J.J., Cool Breeze, Poppo and Head) are tighter than panty hose two sizes small. I know it was created by two black men (Kenneth “Not Babyface” Williams, who wrote Cooley High, and Mike Evans (or, as he is known in black America, Lionel from The Jeffersons). I know that it still ranks as the best sitcom theme song of all time (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air fans, fight me).
So imagine my surprise when I read this quote from the Fox News article:
“There’s not one positive Trump joke out here,” he explained. “No President has been attacked in recent years—because you couldn’t attack [Barack] Obama because he was black … but Trump, they have come out guns blazing against him, but even though I don’t like everything he does, why, heck, darn it, I think he deserves some sort of praise… but you can’t say that in Hollywood.”
Gotdammit, J.J., they got you, too? I knew you were susceptible to this kind of shuck-and-jive skullfuckery when the respected John Amos said he “felt too much emphasis was being put on J.J. and his chicken hat and saying ‘dy-no-mite’ every third page,” But Donald Trump, man?
But this Procyon-lotor-ass nigga (look it up) didn’t stop there. Walker went on to say that he agrees with 90 percent of everything Don Puffy Comb-Over does. Then—because when you’re stepping that hard, why not fetchit—this old I-heard-those-jokes-already-from-my uncle-at-the-barbecue motherfucker apologized for the 10 percent of Trump activities he doesn’t support!
“That means I’m not against Trump, but he makes mistakes, too,” he said.
I really want to end this article here, but there’s more. This feels like too much. Why don’t you take a few deep breaths before you read the next paragraph. I’ll wait.
Are you ready? OK, let’s go.
Then Jimmie Walker explained why we shouldn’t vilify Bill Maher for saying the word “nigger” on national television (calm down, bruh. I told you this part was going to be rough)!
“It was a joke!” he told Trump’s favorite channel. “Come on, people! I love Bill Maher … even though Bill Maher has not put me on his show in about 10 years … Bill Maher is not a racist … calm down.”
One more thing, and I promise this will be over. You know how you tighten your abdominal muscles before you let your 8-year-old niece punch you in the gut so she won’t knock the wind out of you? You might want to do that right now. This might hurt a little bit.
Walker proceeded to say that he thought that Ronald Reagan was a great president, and some other bullshit that gave me throw-up in the front of my mouth.
First I had to stop dancing to R. Kelly’s “Ignition” remix; then I couldn’t stomach old episodes of The Cosby Show; and now this. Pretty soon I’m going to be relegated to nothing but reruns of Amen and What’s Happening.
I know Rerun and George Jefferson would never say anything this stupid.