Petty dudes have been having a field day lately. First, Big Sean dropped "IDFWU", a nod to his now defunct relationship with Glee actress Naya Rivera, which at the time felt like the apex of pettiness in song form. It was almost an excercise in abject immaturity with its repeated musings of "I don't give a fuck I-I don't give a fuck…." throughout. You could almost hear your 6-year old nephew yelling this out as he took his ball and went home because he didn't get picked to play in the sandbox with the girl with the pigtails. Point is, Big Sean made an anthem for petty dudes everywhere. I've seen IDFWU in more text messages than I care to admit and have sent that a few times myself. Just for fun, old sport.
Then, petty savant extraordinaire Wiz Khalifa dropped a verse on the Juicy J song "For Everybody" earlier this month aimed at his estranged wife, Amber Rose, doing a bit of slut shaming of a woman he actually married. To point out the irony in that is almost too easy so I'll just wag my finger at Wiz and say, "bad stoner!"
Recently, I heard a song off of Action Bronson's up-coming album Mr. Wonderful featuring Chance The Rapper (please say the rapper) entitled "Baby Blue", another petty dude anthem. Except Chance decided to go for the gold on his verse by eschewing standard issue name-calling and slut-shaming and explaining EXACTLY how petty he is by listing the things he wishes would happen to his ex. And because Chance has uttered the words, "bang bang bang skeet skeet skeet, she'll do that thang for 3 retweets" he speaks to the common man. His petty level was so impressive that I've decided to analyze his verse and speak to each of the uber-petty statements he makes. It's that real.
Lyrics in italics courtesy of genius.com:
I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue
From a razor in a paper cup
Wishing somebody a paper cut is definitely top 5 most petty things, dead or alive. Paper cuts are THE most annoying cuts of all time. OF ALL TIME. I had a paper cut last week. Totally hated it. Pshaw. But a paper cut from a razor in a paper cup is just mean. That's not even petty, that's just downright evil. But hey, he's hurt. It's better than wishing she got hit by a bus that nobody saw coming like in Final Destination. Do you remember that shit? Totally like…WTF bro. So weird.
I hope every soda you drink already shaken up
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we're back to petty. Seriously, I've wanted bad things to happen to people, but never have they been as harmlessly petty and effective as shaken up soda. Not only will her hands be sticky ALL THE TIME, she'll likely never get to drink any of the soda she wants because she's always making a mess. And if it's, like, Coke, can you say STAINS? Stains, b. Stains.
I hope your dreams dry like raisins in the baking sun
This one is more mean than petty, but it's also brilliant so I'm gonna give it a solid 7 for pettiness because I'm petty like that. He wants her dreams shriveled. Fuck that, raisins ain't nothing but shriveled grapes already. So he wants her dreams to shrivel up even more than they already have. And he would know that her dreams are already fugazi because they dated. She probably told him she wanted to go to Julliard but because her mother died she had to move in with her father who, like, lives in a no bedroom house that has a den with one of those annoying glass doors that folks had to put blankets on because broke folks can't really afford proper drapery. Anyway, she she wants to go to Julliard but she goes to school in the hood and her dreams stay getting deferred. You know who never really defers? Sallie Mae. Just thought I'd share. Anyway, so she's hoping to make it, but, ya know, deferred dreams. He wants those deferred dreams to get like, DOUBLE deferred. By the way, people say shit like DOUBLE deferred when their vocabulary doesn't allow them to take the next step up into the Vocabulary Olympics. Basically, there is no Scripps-Howard Spelling Bee in my future. #hiakeelah. Wait, was that weird? Or inappropriate? I'm going to move on.
I hope your titties all saggy in your early 20's
That one is like when the Nightfox wakeup called Danny at 1130pm the night before instead of 530am the day of and Danny got up drinking all the espresso one man could drink. Mean AND super petty.
I hope there's always snow in your driveway
Bruh. This is THE most petty shit in the history of pettiness. On the heels of a winter where people in Boston received record breaking amounts of snow? Yo, if I woke up to snow in my driveway every morning my feelings would actually be hurt. Even imagining that right now is hurting my feelings. I actually need a hug right now. That's how real it is. Fuck you, Chance . I'm mad FOR her. If a woman told me she wishes I always had snow in my driveway I might actually call the police on her and report her as a terrorist. Idc Idc Idc.
I hope you never get off Fridays
And you work at a Friday's that's always busy on Fridays
Yeah, this is petty on 10. Well done.
I hope you win the lottery and lose your ticket
Mean. Just mean.
I hope it's Ben and Socrates poop all up in your kitchen
Personal pettiness obviously. It's like "The Takeover" up in here.
I hope the zipper on your jacket get stuck
Do you know why this is Extreme Petty: The Petty Edition? Have you ever gotten stuck in your jacket? It never happens at home. It always happens out and you look like a 2-year-old learning how to use a zipper. You might as well have shoes with velcro on them. And not in the ironic hipster way, but like the "I can't tie my shoes" way. I got stuck in a vest a few weeks ago. Trust me on this, folks were judging.
And your headphones short, and your charger don't work
This is how you know Chance has a Ph.D. in Pettiness. Wishing a person's phone charger doesn't work has to be the #1 most petty wish of all. It kills your day because you have to go buy a new one. If it's an Apple the cord itslef is either $19.99 for that short one that nobody really wants but buys accidentally thinking they saved $10 or $29.99 for the one you want. You cannot make it without a charger of some sort. The headphones short out…again, this is REAL world pettiness on this woman. She really fucked him up.
And you spill shit on your shirt
Nobody ever spills tonic water on their shirt. It's always salsa. Or cranberry juice. Just petty. And he knows it.
I hope your tears don't hurt, and I can smile in your face
Cut my losses, how Delilah changed my locks to a fade
The standard attempt to pretend like everything is okay. It's petty because he knows he doesn't mean it. Pettiness is never understanding. That's the crux of pettiness, a total disregard for understanding.
I hope you happy, I hope you happy
I hope you ruined this shit for a reason, I hope you happy, igh!
Attempted transfer of emotion. Petty.
Congratulations Chance. You win.