I was reading the newspaper in the library at the Home for Retired Racial Stereotypes when my old friend Buckwheat arrived. "Here I is, Brother White," squeaked the diminutive Our Gang character. "What's in the news?"
"Well, the top story is about this fellow Paul and his provocative positions," I replied. "He's a libertarian, you know."
"Yeah, I thought he was getting into some pretty freaky positions myself when I saw him on TV the other day," Buckwheat replied. "What has this here Paul gone and done now?"
"Well, he says the Civil Rights Act of 1964 goes too far and that private businesses like hotels and restaurants should have the right to refuse to serve black customers," I replied.
"I'm surprised that Paul, of all people, would say something like that! It's outrageous!" Buckwheat declared.
"But then he says he would have marched with Martin Luther King," I continued.
"I can see him in the front row now, marching arm in arm with Dr. King! Would have made for some colorful demonstrations," laughed Buckwheat, snapping his fingers in a Z pattern.
"Then he says that he thinks it's 'un-American' for President Obama to put pressure on BP to clean up that big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico," I added.
"Really! I never knew that Paul had such controversial convictions about governmental protection of the environment," squeaked Buckwheat.
"And he seemed to dismiss the need for the government to impose safety regulations that might prevent disasters like the big explosion that killed all those miners in West Virginia," I ventured. "He said 'maybe sometimes accidents happen.'"
"He didn't say anything about that, but I suppose he would support it since he's a libertarian," I said.
"A libertarian!" snapped Buckwheat. "I thought you said he was a libertine!"
"No, he's a believer in the philosophy of limited government and maximum political freedom," I explained.
"Jest a minute!" Buckwheat inquired, sounding puzzled. "Jest which here Paul is we talking about?"
"Why Rand Paul, of course," I replied, "the Tea Party candidate who won the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat from Kentucky."
"Rand Paul!" squeaked Buckwhat. "I thought you was talking about RuPaul!"
I folded the newspaper and heaved a sigh.
Jack White is a regular contributor to The Root. Follow him on Twitter.
is a former columnist for TIME magazine and a regular contributor to The Root.