Breaking Down If the Black Church Ruins Women’s Chances at Marriage

For generations, the Black church has been a sanctuary — a place where Black women have led choirs, organized movements, sustained congregations, and, in many cases, carried entire ministries on their backs. But as conversations around dating, marriage, and gender roles evolve, some are asking a more pointed question: Does the Black church ruin a woman’s chances of marriage?

From singles ministries to group chats, some have quietly questioned whether the same space that nurtures their faith — often shaped by teachings around biblical submission, purity, and service — can complicate how Black women today navigate modern dating. So, we reached out to theologians and faith leaders to unpack the variables at play.

The Root caught up with First Lady Vicki Killingsworth of The Love Church in Chicago, who rejects the narrative entirely, arguing instead that the church has long poured into Black women both spiritually and emotionally. Meanwhile, Dr. Terence Lester — a theologian and public policy scholar with a Ph.D. from Union Institute and University — says the issue runs deeper than church and dating dynamics alone, highlighting whether congregations truly empower Black women to live fully in their callings to obtain a life-long union.

Does the Church Keep Black Women Single?

“I don’t subscribe to the narrative,” Killingsworth said of the notion that the church hurts a woman’s chances of marriage. “In fact I see it just the opposite. The Black church has long been a place that pours into women spiritually, emotionally, and relationally in ways that strengthen our readiness for healthy God-centered marriages.”

According to Killingsworth, women gain “community, mentorship, accountability, and spiritual covering” within a house of worship. Beyond that, it provides a foundation for approaching marriage with faith and maturity, cultivating qualities essential for strong partnerships — including “patience, communication, forgiveness, and a commitment to mutual support.”

Sex and Modern Dating

It’s no secret that when men and women come together, they’re tempted to act in ways the church, or scripture, doesn’t approve of. Meanwhile, folks are left in this tussle: how can we truly connect without “doing the do,” so to speak? How does one enter a marriage with a person they’ve never lived with? While this is the norm in worldly dating, the First Lady urges folks to stick to purity.

“The word of God doesn’t change. It’s an infallible truth. The Word of God says sex outside of marriage is a sin — and sin separates us from the love God, so that’s not negotiable,” the First Lady said. “If a church is preaching the word of God, it’s always going to be a sin and it’s always going to be unacceptable. Purity is what we should be preaching if you aren’t married.”

Amid false prophets and teachings, Killingsworth believes folks should research the word and get to know God for themselves. With so much hostility and chaos at the hands of the Trump administration, Killingsworth is convinced we are “in the last days,” adding that there’s no better time to “get serious about prayer life.”

Supporting Black Women Beyond the Pews

For Dr. Terence Lester, the conversation about marriage in the Black church must start with listening to Black women, not diagnosing them. Too often, Black women carry the spiritual, emotional, and organizational weight of churches while their own needs, safety, leadership, and full humanity are overlooked.

“The issue isn’t whether the church is keeping Black women from marriage. The deeper question is whether our churches have created spaces where Black women feel empowered in their calling without being policed, safe, valued, heard, and liberated to live their whole lives, whether that includes marriage or not,” Dr. Lester said in a statement to The Root.

And that’s not all. In many ways the church has been a safe haven for Black women to organize and lead — from Fannie Lou Hamer, whose faith and church-rooted activism fueled voting rights organizing, to Dorothy Height, who worked closely with church leaders while advancing civil and women’s rights. That said, Dr. Lester maintains that this church culture has sometimes reinforced expectations that women must “sacrifice endlessly.”

Marriage, at What Cost?

“A justice-centered church should be a place where Black women are protected from abuse, supported in their callings, encouraged in their education and careers, and not pressured to shrink themselves just to fit traditional relationship expectations,” Dr. Lester said. “Marriage should never come at the cost of dignity or safety for Black women…At its best, the Black church moves people toward liberation, wellness, and makes room for Black women to define their own paths while knowing they are fully loved and supported in community.”

Dr. Lester concluded: “If that journey eventually leads a woman to the person God has for her to marry a future partner, it will not be because she was pressured or constrained by the church, but because the church helped cultivate safe spaces and trauma-informed, socially aware partners capable of meeting her with dignity, equality, and love.”