After watching this leotard porno three times, I still don't get it.

But that's assuming there's anything to get in the first place. Still, I expected more from Lady Gaga—she of the fashion risks so risque that one can do nothing but use the adjectives artist and genius because really what else can you say in the face of the Kermit coat? Ribbit? Even Beyoncé, whose discount at Danskin will never expire, has so far done a decent job of straddling the very thin bikini line of sexy and slutty. Not so says the video phone.

A psychedelic mash-up of booty shots and body rolls, "Video Phone" is a five minutes-long ode to Frederick's of Hollywood with some out of place references to DC Comics' superheroines tossed in for good measure. She even does a quick scene dressed as a kind of futuristic Raquel Welch (c) "One Million Years BC." But the women's lib era allusions do nothing for the mounting case against Mrs. Carter.

Beyoncé as Wonder Woman (or 50s festish pin-up Bettie Paige as one commenter smartly pointed out) grinding on a toy rifle? NSFW or my feminist mystique. And if I never see that chair from "Flashdance," a Beyoncé naughty bits shot and six-inch stilettos all together in one camera frame ever again in life it will be too soon—far too soon.

Worse than watching is actually listening to the song (this is a music video after all). "What, you want me naked?/ If you liking this position, you can tape it." Didn't some teenagers almost serve jail time for "sexting" naked pictures of female classmates? Is this really what we want Beyoncé's mini-me fans lip-syncing at the school talent show?


OK, fine. Turn the TV off. Keep the kiddies away. But that still leaves two female megastars starring in their very own video … hmmmm? Video models is the new PC term, right?

—HELENA "I got no time for frontin'" ANDREWS

Helena Andrews is a contributing editor at The Root and author of Bitch Is the New Black, a memoir in essays. Follow her on Twitter.