Ben CarsonĀ 
Mark Wilson/Getty Images

You can say many things about Ben Carson, the back-ordered, decaffeinated coffee machine who recently dropped out of theĀ presidential race. IconicĀ surgeon. Popeyes enthusiast. Vigilante. Black History Month book-report muse. Delusional motherfā€”ker. But one thing you cannotĀ do is doubt his blackness bona fides. Yes, his actual politics, if enacted, would have put America back to 1953. But letā€™s forget about that for a moment. Instead, just think about all the times he reminded us he was black as fā€”k.

There were the multiple times he appeared to be barely conscious while giving speeches, appearing on TV, waiting to walk onstage and just, like, standing there. Which reminded black America of every middle-aged dad or uncle asked to do something and doing what heā€™s asked to do but emitting a barely concealed contempt through his body language at you for askingĀ him to do something whileĀ Criminal MindsĀ was on.

There was the time he allowed the national anthem to be delivered by his wife, a (presumably) lovely woman whose voice can best be described as ā€œbless her heart.ā€ Which is no different from well-meaningĀ black peopleĀ volunteering friends and family membersĀ to sing church solos who have no business volunteering to sing anywhere outside of showers and empty Priuses.

And, there was the time he installedĀ a portrait of himself and Black Klingon JesusĀ at a YMCA saunaā€”a Rajon Rondo-handed Black Klingon Jesus with circa 2003 Katt Williams hairā€”in his home, which might actually be the blackest thing ever done by anyone anywhere.


Now itā€™s being reported that he only endorsed Donald Trump because of a potential job hookup. Which ā€¦ well. Letā€™s just say I know Iā€™m not the only oneĀ who pretended to listen to and enjoy a mixtape produced by a bouncer at a club I used to frequent because I knew mentioning it to himĀ would get me in free.

FromĀ Think Progress:

Carson told the conservative online siteĀ NewsMax TVĀ on Monday that he backed Trump based on a practical calculus.

ā€˜I didnā€™t see a path for [John] Kasich, who I like, or for [Marco] Rubio, who I like. As far as [Ted] Cruz is concerned, I donā€™t think heā€™s gonna be able to draw independents and Democrats unless he has some kind of miraculous change. ā€¦ Is there another scenario that I would have preferred? Yes. But that scenario isnā€™t available.ā€™ Pressed to clarify, Carson said he meant heā€™d prefer to have backed one of the other candidates.

Carson then said that Trump had promised him a role in his administration, ā€˜certainly in an advisory capacity.ā€™ Asked by NewsMaxā€™s Steve Malzberg whether this meant a cabinet position, Carson declined to ā€˜reveal any details about it right now, because all of this is still very liquid.ā€™


Now, what position could he haveĀ possibly been offered? Is there a Secretary for the State of Narcolepsy post Iā€™m unaware of? An HNICOCĀ (Head Nā€”ga in Charge of Chicken)? Does Trump need a pair of truly #GiftedHands to fix his toupee? Who knows? I do know that Iā€™m going to kinda, sorta miss black-ass Ben Carson, the proverbial uncle in the back room watchingĀ MatlockĀ who only leaves his chair to eat dinner and attend high school class reunions.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of He is also a contributing editor at He lives in Pittsburgh and he really likes pancakes. You can reach him at