Because Absolutely Nobody Asked, Here's My Pick for Sunday's Super Bowl

Illustration for article titled Because Absolutely Nobody Asked, Here's My Pick for Sunday's Super Bowl
Photo: Patrick Smith, Jamie Squire (Getty Images)

Do you know how hard it is to repeat as a Super Bowl champion?

In a past life, I made valiant attempts to reconcile with my exes. I apologized for things I didn’t even do, took accountability for the things I actually did, and forgave transgressions that didn’t deserve an ounce of grace. I kissed ass, bought flowers, tried couples therapy, survived screaming matches and still failed miserably on more than one occasion.

So considering how many times I’ve failed to get that old thing back with the women I’ve loved, I would imagine reconfiguring a 53-man roster under a restrictive salary cap, retaining and rehiring coaches and front office personnel, eluding approximately 20 weeks worth of injuries and winning enough games consecutively to make your triumphant return to the Super Bowl is infinitely harder than trying to perform an exorcism on your ex-girlfriend. Throw in a pinch of COVID-19 and such a task goes from “yeah, right” to virtually impossible.

Yet here we are, itching to clamor around our TVs on Sunday to see if Patrick Mahomes, already one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the sport in only his fourth season, can pull another rabbit out of his hat and win his second consecutive Super Bowl.

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Much like yourself, I’ve watched the talking heads on ESPN, read the articles and have scrolled through countless group chats. I’ve heard the predictions favoring the Bucs and I’m acutely aware that MAGA Brady is the undisputed GOAT—you can lay claim to that title when you’ve been to 10 Super Bowls—but I regret to inform you that I’m not trying to hear any of that shit.

The Black man is God and Mahomes—an esteemed alum of Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters—has got this in the bag. Here’s why:

He’s the Superior Quarterback

Brady’s list of receipts is as long as it is impressive. But in 2021, the six-time Super Bowl champ is a prime candidate for sclerotherapy and last I checked, was old enough to qualify for Medicare. Meanwhile, Mahomes is out here moonwalking on water and doing things on the field that we’ve never in life seen before. It’s also not exactly a secret that Bucs defensive coordinator Todd Bowles is Facebook official with the blitz—they had the fifth-highest rate this season—and Mahomes treats blitzes like Remy Ma did Nick Minaj when she dropped “Shether.”

Calling Mahomes the superior quarterback isn’t even bias or slander, it’s merely a statement of fact.

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He Has the Superior Coaching Staff

Yes, I’m rooting for everybody Black, but does anyone in their right mind truly believe that Bruce Arians and Byron Leftwich are seeing the combined might of Andy Reid and Eric Bieniemy? The same Eric Bieniemy who shouldn’t even be an offensive coordinator anymore but bigotry clearly has other plans?

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Please don’t allow Reid’s flaws—clock management being the most glaring—to dissuade you from the truth. One of these head coaches will conclude their career with a bust in Canton. The other won’t.

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It is what it is.

He Has the More Explosive Weapons

Now this is where things get interesting, since both squads are loaded with a treasure trove of toys to play with.

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But when you’ve got an embarrassment of riches that include the likes of Tyreek Hill sprinting past everyone, Travis Kelce running through everyone, and complementary pieces like Sammy Watkins, Mecole Hardman, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, and Le’Veon Bell making defenders lives hell, you really think they’re about to lose this game? With Mahomes throwing them the damn ball?

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The Chiefs Only Lose When They Want to

The Chiefs’ indomitable will is the stuff of legends. First look at this:

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Then look at this:

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Then sit in awe of this, courtesy of Sports Illustrated:

Since 2018, in 46 games including the playoffs, a Mahomes-led Chiefs team has been tied or trailing during the entire fourth quarter only 15 times.

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Bruh. That’s fucking insane.

And while Mahomes might be the secret sauce, don’t sit there and act like the Chiefs aren’t entirely capable of getting it done without him. #HenneThingIsPossible was trending for good reason after backup quarterback Chad Henne helped push the Chiefs past the Cleveland Browns in the divisional round of this year’s playoffs.

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So when we all wake up on Monday morning and bask in the glory of another Kansas Chiefs Super Bowl victory, remember which of us were on the right side of history.

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Just like Trump took that L in the presidential election, MAGA Brady will be following suit on Sunday.

Menace to supremacy. Founder of Extraordinary Ideas and co-host and producer of The Extraordinary Negroes podcast. Impatiently waiting for ya'll to stop putting sugar in grits.

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DISCUSSION

joplin12
GreatScott

I’m so torn; been a Tampa fan since their inception, but I can’t stand Brady...decisions, decisions. If there’s a way for the defense to show out, for Brady to have a subpar game, and for the Bucs to still win...I guess that’s the best I can ask for...and hopefully Tom Shady doesn’t still get lauded...like he did after the defense saved his ass in the NFC Championship game. Oh, yeah, and while I’m still dreaming, win or lose, Brady retires (or just gets somewhere) and we trade for Deshawn Watson. I don’t ask for much.