Photo: iStock

Citing rampant abuse and the increasing number of black barbecue-goers who mistakenly assumed that they were eating auntie-certified potato salad but somehow ended up with cubed cauliflower and sour cream in their mouths, America’s oldest and most respected governing bodies for negro culinary activities issued a moratorium on all cookout invitations for the foreseeable future.

The Black Legislative American Cookout Council (BLACC) joined with the Partnership for Eating at Outside Parties and Lawn Events (PEOPLE) in calling for a temporary suspension on all invitations to cookouts, picnics, tailgates, get-togethers, kickbacks, and even fish frys until the group can put together a plan to vet outside attendees at grill-related activities. While many outlets are referring to this decision as the “wypipo ban,” officials from the organizations assured the public that the suspension has nothing to do with race.

Advertisement

“This decision was based purely on concerns for safety,” said BLACC/PEOPLE spokesperson Marvell “Macaroni” Clyburn, who spoke to The Root on the condition that we brought some aluminum foil. “The number of unwelcome people is becoming overwhelming. I was at a church picnic last week and some blonde girl named Allyson asked if we had any gluten-free buns. I had to ask Jesus to hold my mule. We’re not banning white folks. We’re just limiting entry to certain individuals until we can figure out what the hell is going on.”

“I like the decision because people were handing out invitations too willy-nilly,” said Lendarious Hawkins, a member whose cookout outfit was laid out on the back of his kitchen chair. “As soon as a white person does something halfway decent, it seemed like everyone breaks their necks to invite them over.”

Advertisement

“I knew it was getting ridiculous when I had to wait for some ribs behind Joe Biden, Kim Kardashian, and Billy Ray Cyrus,” Hawkins lamented. “ But when I saw Rachel Dolezal putting mustard on Michael Rapaport’s hot dog, I knew we had jumped the shark. We need a safe space, too.”

The group said that previous cookout invitations extended to well-meaning Caucasians will not be honored going forward. Until they can implement a policy that includes background checks, voting history, a Kool-Aid tolerance evaluation, and a “Wobble” agility assessment, members are only allowed to save their white comrades a plate, although they may allow them to sit in the car as long as the automobile is 500 feet away from the cookout location.

Advertisement

While the organization says that some may perceive this as a racial litmus test, they insist it is not. Calling it a “national emergency,” the governing bodies listed a number of recent incidents that prompted them to a halt social requests to unmelanated grill-out attendees. Some of the more egregious instances of mayonnaise-lovers at the cookout include:

  • May 12, 2017: Jerome Sanford invited his coworker Parker Willoughby to aunt Julia’s 50th birthday party. Not only did Parker not bring anything, but he suffered severe stab wounds from a plastic butterknife when Jerome’s newly converted cousin Shabazz 13X saw Parker’s “Make America Great Again” bumper sticker.
  • September 4, 2017: Kristen Lakeland called the cops on Yvette “Teeny” Thomas for calling her a “raggedy bitch” when Kristen reneged during the final hand of a Spades game. Teeny snapped when Kristen claimed that she shouldn’t have to forfeit three books because it was an honest mistake.
  • June 12, 2018: Bryan McCutchen brought Kool-Aid sweetened with Nutra-Sweet to the Lawrence family cookout, exclaiming that he was trying to help the diabetic members of the family.
  • August 16, 2018: Saying: “I don’t understand, there’s more than enough,” 19-year-old Tiffany Weimar fixed herself a plate before fixing one for Sister Louvenia Wison, a 78-year-old board-certified usher who is also a licensed candy lady.
  • June 19, 2019: The final straw was when Carol Whitenmeyer asked if the Jackson family’s Juneteenth cookout was the black version of a Sweet Sixteen party or a Quincenera. When she tasted the ribs, Carol asked if she could attend the Julyteenth celebration.

Advertisement

“When Caucasians send us their people, they aren’t sending their best,” explained Clyburn, as she set aside a slightly burned macaroni corner for her church’s head deacon. “They’re sending renegers. They’re sending vegans. They’re sending people who don’t even have the motivation to stand up and honor the Cash Money Records takeover of ‘99 and the 2000s.”

“And some, I suppose, are good white people,” Clyburn continued.

BLACC/PEOPLE’s ultimate goal is to institute comprehensive cookout reform. Members have suggested a new rule that would require a two-thirds vote by a coalition of cousins, aunts, uncles, and people authorized to open the grill before an invitation is official. Called the “Democratic Request for Event Attendance for the Melanin-less,” DREAMers would have to apply for barbecue asylum for five recurring one-year periods before they are entitled to full benefits such as fish hot out of the grease or access to top-tier sodas.

Advertisement

Some have called the policy bigoted, saying that it is an overt attempt at ethnic cookout cleansing. But Clyburn countered that white people are the ones who don’t wash their chicken, so black cookouts are already clean.

“What they really want is open cookout borders,” Clyburn said while sipping on a solo cup containing a brown substance that she called her cookout communion. “But we can’t just let people from shithole barbecues into our cookouts.”

Advertisement

Asked if the invitation ban also applied to black cookout attendees, the representative for BLACC/PEOPLE laughed as if she was holding the Cookout Trinity—a Draw Four Uno card, the double-five domino, and the Big Joker.

“Black people don’t need formal invitations to a cookout,” giggled Clyburn.

“We just show up.”