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A White Woman Called the Police on a Whale… A Whale, Y'all
A viral video has captured the essence of gentrification after a white woman called the police on a school of whales hanging out in their own neighborhood, minding their own whale business. According to Time, Darren Lucianna and his family were on a boating trip in Puget Sound when they encountered a whale suffering from…
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America’s Biggest Conspiracy Theory Is Real: The Racist Truth Behind the Myth of Voter Fraud
Whether it is Benghazi, birth certificates, Bigfoot, the Illuminati or an unseen VHS tape of Russian sex workers emptying vodka-filled bladders onto a marmalade-colored man who would eventually become the president of the United States, America loves a good conspiracy theory. Anna Merlan, a reporter at Gizmodo Media Group’s special projects desk and author of…
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Kansas Man Sues After Spending 17 Years in Prison for Crime Committed by Look-Alike
For 17 years Richard Anthony Jones insisted he was falsely imprisoned man but no one believed him. Even though there were no fingerprints, DNA evidence and he presented a solid alibi at his trial, Jones was convicted in 1999 for snatching a woman’s purse in a Roeland, Kan., Wal Mart parking lot and sentenced to…
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The 2018 World Wypipo Tournament Championship: The Good Hair vs. the Tortoise
Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you to the historic Lawry’s Seasoned Salt Arena—the only place in America that hasn’t been colonized by whiteness—for the Championship Round of the 2018 World Wypipo Tournament! Sixty-four hopeful teams entered this epic free-for-all a scant two weeks ago with hate in their hearts, believing that each of them had…
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The 2nd Annual World Wypipo Tournament: Who is the Worst?
For over a decade, The Root has chronicled the Caucastic shenanigans of our melanin-deficient counterparts. While the 2018 Tournament of Wypipo marks the second time we have officially held this competition, our community has a long history of ranking and judging wypipo. In 1798, Cleotis Banneker became the first black man to organize a ranking…
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#BrooklynBecky: Cops Called on Suspicious-Looking 'Black' Woman Waiting for Uber in the Rain
A recent video of a white woman calling the police on a woman for standing in a likely gentrified Brooklyn building’s doorway highlights the black community’s unawareness of a set of secretly ratified constitutional amendments guaranteeing Colonizer-Americans the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of unapologetic whiteness. On July 25, Facebook user Darsell Obregon…
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Four Years Later, NYPD Prepares to Discipline Cop in Eric Garner's Death
1,462 days after Eric Garner wheezed the words “I can’t breathe” before giving up the ghost on a Staten Island sidewalk, the New York Police Department has decided to discipline Daniel Pantaleo, the police officer whose arms just happened to be wrapped around Garner’s neck at the time. Well … maybe “Based on our most…
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White Man Claims Self-Defense After Gunning Down Black Teenager for Shooting Fireworks
A Texas man arrested for killing his teenage neighbor in a dispute over fireworks claims he only shot the victim in self-defense but police say cell-phone video shows otherwise. According to the Austin Statesman, 41-year-old Jason Roche shot 19-year-old Devonte Ortiz on July 4 during a heated dispute over fireworks. Roche told police that he…
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Supreme Court Rules in Favor of White Jesus
The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that protecting the white man’s God is more important than protecting the rights of actual human beings because—according to the highest court in America—Jesus has feelings, too. In a 7-2 ruling, the court ruled in favor of Masterpiece Cakeshop, a Colorado bakery that refused to sell a cake to…
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South Carolina Man Seeks White Supremacist Hit Man to Lynch Black Neighbor, Burn Cross on Lawn: FBI
In a noble attempt to boost the Trump administration’s record-low unemployment numbers, a South Carolina man has been indicted on charges he reached out to undercover FBI agents posing as white supremacists, and offered them $500 to kill his black neighbor, hang him from a tree and burn a cross on his lawn. After checking…
