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America Ain't Better Than This
I forget exactly how old I was. Maybe 9. Maybe 10. It was summer. A Sunday. Dad and I were preparing to spend the day at the hoop courts behind Reizenstein—him running full on the main court with the rest of the oldheads, and me doing Mikans and playing 33 on side hoops with whichever…
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If You Thought It'd Be Fun to Get a Toothache and See a Dentist During a Pandemic, Guess What? It's Not!
I know, I know, I know. Staying socially distant during COVID is quite the drag, and you thought it would be new and exciting and fun to have one of the wisdom teeth you actually planned to extract in April—but couldn’t because COVID—get infected. You already walked all the steps, streamed all the shows, and…
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Daniel Cameron’s Tears Were a Job Application
Of course, the tears Kentucky Attorney General Daniel Cameron shed during his press conference this afternoon were a lie. They were also an audition. The audience he was performing for—the people he’s been speaking to with his body language, his haircut, his intonation, his choice of wife, and his wedding date—witnessed both the sort of hollow…
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The Joker's Plan in The Dark Knight Was Dependent on Expected Brutality From a 'Good' Cop
The success of The Joker’s numerous schemes in The Dark Knight is dependent on a medley of greed, corruption, stupidity, and mostly collective late-stage astigmatism. Blowing up Gotham General, for instance, requires the thousands of nurses and doctors and orderlies and janitors and cafeteria workers and patients and patients’ families in the hospital to either…
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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Could've Died in Peace If White People Were Better People
Propped on the pavement, planted in yards, and sitting on stoops in every block in my neighborhood this morning are kaleidoscopic signs encouraging people to register to vote and reminding us, of course, that Black Lives Matter. I do not know which organization created them. Definitely one of the dozens (hundreds?) targeting Black, and Latino,…
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Are These Timberlands?
Yes, technically. But they’re not Timbs. There’s a difference? Yes. Care to expound? No.
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25 Questions for the People Who Wear Masks While Driving Their Cars
1. Why are you doing this? 2. I don’t get it? 3. I mean I get how COVID has invaded our brains and made us question whether the things we’re doing are healthy and safe? 4. Just yesterday I rubbed hand sanitizer on a Snickers wrapper before opening it? 5. Which I’m certain isn’t safe?…
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30 Questions About Dr. Umar Johnson's Claim That Black Americans Spend $19 Million a Year on Grits
In an Instagram post on Labor Day, Dr. Umar Johnson lamented that he would be able to build multiple schools for Black boys if we gave our annual grit money to him instead. I have questions. 1. Where did he find that number? 2. Is there a secret registry of grain-specific stats that only hotep…
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A List of Black People I'm (Mostly) Certain Are Not White Women From Kansas
1. Tyronn Lue 2. My aunt Jean 3. The nigga who played “Poot” from The Wire 4. The cute widdle Black baby model on the box of Pampers I bought yesterday 5. Boston University professor Saida Grundy 6. Panama Jackson 7. “Shatasha” from Bone Thugs n’ Harmony 8. Summer Lee 9. That young boy at…
