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They Came, They Saw, And They Conquered Umar Johnson's Hotepalooza In Brooklyn
Two weeks ago, Dr. Umar Johnson had an event in Brooklyn, where the Prince of GhostedGoFundMe was scheduled to give a talk, sign some books, and share beard maintenance tips. (He does have a pretty impressive beard.) Three brave people volunteered as tributes, to attend and report back on their findings. Here are their stories.…
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If You're Still An R. Kelly Fan In 2017 You Might Be A Worse Person Than R. Kelly
I’m not going to say much about R. Kelly because, at this point, on the seventeenth day of July in 2017, there’s not much I can say about R. Kelly that hasn’t already been said. And repeated. And reported on. And recounted through anecdote. And even said by me on this very space four years ago. With other artists…
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Y'all Do Realize Floyd Mayweather Is Gonna Kick Conor McGregor's Ass, Right?
The lead up to the Mayweather/McGregor fight Aug 26th has been fascinating. Two aggressively annoying and arrogant and lilliputian men — one a quasi-illiterate domestic abuser and the other either a racist or someone just fine with donning a racist’s costume (which is just as bad as a racist) — attempting to out-douche each other is…
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Why Niggas With Advanced Degrees Hate It When People Lie About Having Them, Explained
So, I have to say. Although most of the criticisms about Dr. Umar Johnson seem to be valid, the one that makes me feel a certain way is how hard some of you degreed niggas are going in on his supposed lack of a doctorate. It seems elitist and classist; as if only a Black person…
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Trillion Ton Iceberg That Just Broke Off From Antarctica Was Obviously Just Trying To Buy NBC
This is the only reasonable explanation for why a chunk of ice the size of Delaware is currently lurking untethered near the Antarctic Peninsula; floating around all unbothered and harnessless and free like Rihanna. Not global warming or any other extinction-level, SCARY-AS-THE-MOTHERFUCKING-FUCK shit outlined in this nightmare-inducing NY Mag story about the doomed Earth. (And how the…
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Why You're Trash-Ass Trash If You Use Negro Bed Wench As An Insult, Explained
What is a Negro Bed Wench? Many things! A reliable hotep identifier. An ash magnet, as anyone who says it immediately becomes engulfed in a shroud of ash, like a chimney sweep with sentience. A valuable source of time efficiency, as hearing those three words in succession lets you know you don’t ever have to listen to…
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Shit Bougie Black People Love: 33. Drinking Room Temperature Water
If you happen upon a group of Bougie Black People in the wild — organizing Trap Kayaking trips or attempting to convince people they’ve “been on SZA since See.SZA.Run” — and you truly wanted to engage them in conversation, ask them about when they discovered that fruit juices and sodas were evil, and listen to them…
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My Day In Memphis With President Obama's My Brother's Keeper Alliance
While riding in an Uber last week — traveling from Memphis International Airport to the hotel I was staying in — I asked the driver if she, a 60-something Black woman and life-long Memphian, had any recommendations on which BBQ joints I should sample during my short stay in town. To my dismay, she suggested Rendezvous…
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The 10 Blackest Moments From A BET Awards Show I Only Watched An Hour Of Because It Was Long As Shit And I'm Old
Full disclosure. This will not be a recap of the entire show. Because I did not watch the entire show. Because I’m old as fuck and took a nap at 8pm and woke up at like 10pm. Because old ass niggas take evening naps. And then for the first few moments of watching the awards,…
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Prodigy Lived His Entire Life In Pain, And I Hope He Finally Has The Peace His Music Gave Me
My junior year of high school, I’d grown so self-conscious about the size and shape of my head that the mere thought of the bus rides to and from school and to and from basketball games induced anxiety and dread in me. Those bus rides were prime opportunities for “ripping sessions.” And despite my status as…