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The 10 Best Places for Black People to Escape White People When We Just Don’t Wanna See Them for a While, Ranked
Even if there’s a white barber working there, his name will be “White Mike” or “White Bobby” and he’s there to escape white people, too. Be warned, though. While there won’t be white people there, there will be elephants. Lots and lots of elephants. All of the fucking elephants. If you need some white-people escaping…
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There’s Nothing ‘Fringe’ About These White People
The comforts in considering the white nationalists in Charlottesville, Va., to be fringe are obvious. For white people, speaking of them and their views as if they’re unique and anomalous allows them (the “good” white people) to distinguish themselves from these racists, while also minimizing their ubiquity and influence. If they’re fringe—if they only exist…
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Maybe We Should Stop Inviting Omarosa to Things (and by ‘Things’ I Mean Conventions, Cookouts, Clambakes, Church … )
… barbecues, game nights, brunch, sleepovers, car pools, anywhere west of the Mississippi River, day parties, commencement ceremonies, Trap Yoga, Trap Painting, Trap Karaoke, Trap Wine Tasting, Trap Skunk Hunting, Trap Trapping, casino nights at Schenley Gardens Senior Living, Caribana, Carnival, HennyPalooza, Must Love Beards, Must Love Beekeepers, Must Love Beekeepers with Beards, half-marathons, dinner…
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An Ode to Bone Thugs-n-Harmony: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles of Hip-Hop
Claiming that I don’t smoke marijuana is technically a lie. Because I have. But that lie is more true than the truth because I’ve only smoked (maybe) 15 times, and referring to myself as a “weed smoker” would be misleading. I’ve tried to enjoy it, but I’ve come to accept that it’s basically the same…
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Fortunately, Ezekiel Elliott Just (Allegedly) Beat His Ex-Girlfriend but Didn’t Sit During the Anthem, so He’ll Be Back Soon!
Earlier today, ESPN reports, sentient cash register wrapped in a Jos. A. Bank discount-rack pocket square Roger Goodell rained mediocre vengeance and slightly perturbed anger down on the hopes of the Dallas Cowboys and their fans as the NFL suspended Ezekiel Elliott six games for a series of alleged domestic abuse instances in 2016. These…
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The 20 Whitest Things White People Say to Black People, Ranked
20. “Oh, you’re married?” 19. “Is that your hair?” 18. “I don’t see color.” 17. “Can you turn that down?” 16. “DUUUUUDE, TAKE A SHOT WITH ME!!!” 15. “This section is reserved.” 14. “He doesn’t bite.” 13. “I voted for Obama.” 12. “Yeah, you’re black. But not like, black black.” 11. “If you can say…
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Shit Bougie Black People Love No. 34: The NABJ Convention
Perhaps you noticed that your bottomless brunch spot was a bit less crowded than usual Sunday afternoon, and all of the bottles of room-temperature water placed on tables were left untouched. And then, when attending Trap Pumpkin Carving class last night, you looked around and saw you were the only one there! Disturbed and confused,…
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High School Reunions Are the Unseasoned and Undercooked Chicken Breast of Social Gatherings
Last weekend, I attended my 20th high school reunion. This was the first reunion of any sort—high school or college—that I had any interest in going to. And not because high school and/or college were particularly difficult times for me. I had as much fun in school as an introverted eggheaded nigga with the Western…
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Mike Pence Would Not Be Worse Than Trump Because No One, God Included, Gives a Shit About Mike Pence
It’s been a relatively slow week for rapey vat of curdled Cheez Whiz Donald Trump and his cadre of paint thinner-dipped sociopathic marionettes. Perhaps it’s because he’s currently on his 27th vacation of the last three months, and there’s no dry snitches left to fire for outing cocksucking contortionists to the New Yorker. But don’t…
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Of All the Reasons to Boycott the Trash-Ass NFL, Colin Kaepernick Not Getting Signed Is Waaay Down the List
In the time since I began writing this, Jay Cutler could’ve broken his right ring finger after punching a bag of Hot Cheetos for just being moderately warm instead of “Flamin’,” and the Dolphins, in need of another quarterback, could reach out to Colin Kaepernick. But for now he remains unsigned, and the only logical…
