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10 Common (and Dumb) Criticisms of Beyoncé That Are Actually Compliments
Beyoncé is, currently, everything. She hasn’t always been, and perhaps won’t always be, but right now, one of the only essential truths in pop culture is that Beyoncé is bigger and better than everybody else. If she is not your favorite, she is better than your favorite, and she is (likely) your favorite’s favorite. You,…
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Uncles, Ranked
199,783. Uncle Tom 199,354. Scar, from The Lion King 18. Uncle Sam 17. Uncle Ruckus 16. Uncle Remus 15. Uncle Ben (rice) 14. Uncle Murda 13. Uncle Scrooge 12. Uncle Ben (Spider-Man) 11. Uncle Grandpa 10. Uncle Luke 9. Uncle Drew 8. Uncle Buck 7. Uncle Jesse 6. Uncle Snoop 5. Uncle Junior 4. Uncle…
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A List of Things I’d Rather See Taylor Swift Cover Than Earth, Wind & Fire’s ‘September’
1. An in-ground swimming pool with a weatherproof tarp. 2. Her mouth. 3. The ESPYs as a special correspondent for C-SPAN. 4. A chicken breast with a generous helping of Old Bay. 5. Her shoulders with a sweater if she was out somewhere and it got a bit colder than she expected it to be…
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Does Tristan Thompson Have More Side Chicks or Post Moves? (An Investigation)
Here are the facts. Tristan Thompson plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers. At the moment, he is the third-best Canadian in the NBA, a fact that doesn’t mean anything, but somehow also means everything. He is also a new dad today (congrats!) after his girlfriend Khloé Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl. This is Kardashian’s…
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Why We Don’t Trust White People’s Potato Salad, Explained
Are you going to ask a question? Because right now you’re just stating facts. Which I appreciate—yay, facts! I just want to know if there’s a question there. Ah. Well, before I answer, I want us all to take some time to watch and appreciate that skit again. Also, just to let you know that…
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How to Make White People Uncomfortable
1. Be black. 2. Be not white. 3. Be not white and not American. 4. Tell the truth. 5. Cite facts. 6. Talk about the past. 7. Talk about the present day. 8. Talk about the future. 9. Say things like “Hi” and “Excuse me” and “Perhaps, if I were so inclined, I’d meet you…
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Mark Zuckerberg Is a Grown-Ass (White) Man, so Stop Talking About Him Like He’s a Kid
Admittedly, when juxtaposed against the assemblage of 934-year-old white men who make up the Senate, Mark Zuckerberg’s relative youth is conspicuous, as it would also be if he were in a room with a troop of vampires, or perhaps the exhumed and propped-up bodies of Genghis Khan and—I don’t know—a fucking velociraptor. “Wow,” I would…
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20 Words and Phrases White People Just Ain’t Allowed to Say
We already know about nigga/nigger, but there are more! Really, no one—white, black, Kappa, etc.—should ever say “ghetto” again, ever. Nothing at all, now that you’ve said that. Is officially on the list because too many black people use “ninja” as a substitute for “nigga,” and all popular “nigga” substitutes are banned from white mouths.…
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10 Reasons the N-Word Is the Greatest Word in the English Language
1. Because “nigga” rhymes with a shitload of things, which comes in handy during freestyle rap cyphers at 3 a.m. at IHOP. 2. Because it can be any part of speech you want it to be—a noun (“Pass me that nigga”), a pronoun (“Pass me that nigga, nigga”), an adjective (“Pass me that nigga cheese,…
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What We Mean When We Call White People ‘Colonizers’
I’ve included references to East Liberty—a neighborhood in Pittsburgh’s East End—in pieces I’ve written for VSB, Ebony, Slate and GQ, and it’s peppered throughout my book. There’s an entire chapter, for instance, devoted to the changes it’s undergone in the past 20 years. I do this because it’s where I spent many of my formative…
