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If I Wanted to See 2 70-Year-Old White Men Fight, I’d Go to Cracker Barrel This Weekend
I know, I know, I know, I know. Joe Biden is everyone’s cool and tough septuagenarian home slice. And while I’m not in the business of granting white people invites to the mythical and now waaaaaaay overcrowded cookout, I know “Uncle Joe” is on a lot of people’s invitee lists. (Also, if he is invited…
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Why Are White Men So Angry?
Of course, this is a question that has been asked (and answered) myriad times already—particularly when another Charlottesville, Va., happens, or another Mark Anthony Conditt or Adam Lanza or Dylann Roof or Stephen Paddock decides, with no clear provocation, to weaponize his anger and murder people. These are men who exist in a country where…
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I Had a Panic Attack Last Month, and It Felt Like I Was Dying
It should be good news when you learn that the episode that brought you to the emergency room at Shadyside Hospital, which is where you drove the day after you felt like you were dying, was neither a heart attack nor a stroke. You’d suspected that what happened to you might have been one of…
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Days Black People Are Most Likely to Be Called the N-Word, Ranked
1. St. Patrick’s Day 2. New Year’s Eve 3. Wednesday (any) 4. Columbus Day 5. The anniversary of the O.J. Simpson verdict 6. MLK Day 7. The night of a presidential election 8. Memorial Day 9. Mardi Gras 10. Black Friday 11. Saturday (any) 12. The Fourth of July 13. The first of the month…
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When You Share Your Mess With the Public, the Public Will Share (and Talk About and Joke About) Your Mess. Duh!
During their now viral appearance on The Breakfast Club Thursday morning—and after DJ Envy pulled the greatest stunt of illogical beige rage since G Money in New Jack City—Kid Mero appeared to throw DJ Envy a bone. While admitting that husbands can (and should) be sensitive about their wives, he shared a story about chasing…
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Pittsburgh to Replace America’s Most Racist Statue With Statue of a Black Woman
Remember this? Please, people of Pittsburgh, I implore you. Do not topple this statue. At least, not until I drive by it again so I can hug it, take a selfie with it and maybe take it on a date, too. I just hope magical Negroes love chorizo. No, you don’t remember that at all?…
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The Creation of the Avocado Toast Cocktail Is the Whitest Thing That Has Ever Happened
My eyes have seen some pretty damn white things. I once saw a single speck of pepper on top of a presumably seasoned chicken breast placed on my plate at a white person’s wedding in 2003. When I quickly glanced into the serving tray to see if, perhaps, this single peppered breast was rogue, an…
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Why I Don’t Have Any White Friends, Explained
Huh? It was when I was 17: The Pittsburgh Zoo made this big stink about getting a polar bear—press releases and parties and polar-bear-themed brunches and shit—despite the fact that they already had perfectly fine (and strikingly handsome) black and brown bears. I saw that as a metaphor for America, and I pledged to never…
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Why Don’t We Tip Fast-Food Workers?
I didn’t know you were supposed to tip bartenders until I was 25 years old. And then, I only learned because I was tip-shamed by a woman I was dating. She saw I didn’t leave a tip on the Long Island iced teas I’d ordered for both of us (again, I was 25) and asked,…
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The Best Thing About Atlanta, the Best Show on Television
During “Sportin’ Waves,” the episode of Atlanta that aired Thursday night, Earn received a generous and unexpected payout from Darius’ puppy-related investments in season 1. Armed with this unanticipated cash, the still-homeless and aggressively underemployed Earn invests it in a gift card scheme suggested by Tracy, a recently paroled houseguest of Paperboi’s, who claims that…
