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The Tekashi 6ix9ine We Need: Ousted U.S. Vaccine Official Rick Bright Gives It All Up
Former top U.S. vaccine official, Rick Bright, walked into Congress Thursday and asked for a large bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, a Nehi grape soda, and a pack of Marlboro Lights 100s and proceeded to give up everything he knew about how fucking screwed Americans are if they are waiting for the Trump administration to…
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Republican Sen. Richard Burr’s Cell Phone Seized, Steps Down From Senate Intelligence Committee Amid Investigation Over Stock Trade
Republican Sen. Richard Burr (N.C.) is in a whole heap of trouble after he reportedly traded stocks ahead of the economic fallout from the coronavirus pandemic. According to CNN, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, aka “Turtle Power,” accepted Burr’s resignation from one of the highest committee’s in all the land, which Burr led for three…
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Texas Began Opening Businesses May 1. Now, They’re Averaging 1,000 New Cases of COVID-19 a Day
If you want to know how soft-opening the country during a global pandemic is going to go, look no further than the great state of Texas. On May 1, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott (R) allowed some businesses to reopen, and since then, Texas has only had two days where they didn’t reach 1,000 new coronavirus…
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Trump Doesn’t Care for Dr. Fauci or Coronavirus Science Unless They Agree With Him
Dr. Anthony Fauci is a doctor. He’s also the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. He’s noted several times that as a doctor and a public health official, he’s a man of science and as such, he doesn’t care if the facts lead him to conclusions that are Democrat or Republican;…
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MAGA-nificent Idiot: Congressman Came for Rep. Ilhan Omar and May Have Fumbled Trump’s Bag
A rookie House Republican who loves him some Donald Trump might have just made it harder for the president’s reelection campaign to continue spending bread at Trump’s properties. According to the Daily Beast, Rep. Greg Steube (R-Fla.) was trying to come for Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.) when he introduced legislation that would prevent campaign spending,…
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I'm Finally Good Enough to Die
I wasn’t always this guy. I wasn’t always a married father who lives in a nice community. I wasn’t always a writer. When I was 16, my dad sat me down and had a very real conversation with me. He told me that he’d given up, that he wasn’t going to hit me anymore for…
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Trump’s Former Campaign Chairman Paul Manafort and His Precious White Lungs Released From Prison
Coronavirus is running rampant in prisons, so America is doing everything it can to make sure Trump’s accomplices are released because they can’t run the risk of fucking up their precious white lungs. According to the Washington Post, Trump’s former campaign chairman Paul Manafort is no longer in prison and has been relegated to house…
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Trump Is So Obsessed With Being Loved That He’s Willing to Steal Praise He Didn’t Earn
I think it was his mother. It had to be. Someone in Trump’s family had to help make him this way. His father left him a fortune. So it had to be his mother. Maybe she didn’t hug him enough. Maybe she just got tired of his lies. Maybe she couldn’t stand him melting his…
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Dr. Fauci Doesn’t Go Tekashi 6ix9ine on Trump, But He Does Warn That Reopening the Country Too Soon Could Be Disastrous
While many of us tuned into the Senate hearing to watch Dr. Anthony Fauci go full Denzel at the end of Training Day and threaten to put cases on all you motherfuckers (fine, maybe I was the only one who was hoping that Dr. Fauci would go full Tekashi 6ix9ine and snitch on everyone in…
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How Machiavelli Mitch McConnell Got Kicked Out of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Everyone knows Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael and Donatello but no one knows the story of Machiavelli Mitch McConnell. The short version goes like this: Machiavelli Mitch wouldn’t wear his mask because he didn’t believe that he could catch the coronavirus. He also refused to change his name to a renaissance artist because he was all pissed…
