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Of Course, the GOP Convention Is Heading to the End of America’s Digestive Tract
Florida is the asshole of America. So it is fitting that the gathering of assholes may happen in the one place that is so strange that it is a game to look up “Florida man” and your birthday to see what ridiculous crime you land on. I’m “Thong-wearing Florida man arrested while building shed with…
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Tim Scott, the Lone Black Republican Senator, Tasked With Coming Up With GOP's Police Reform Plan, and I’m Not Mad
The only thing Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell (R) could tell me about is how he lives in the sewer with his three turtle friends from high school and why he listens to a rat. Other than that, Mitch McConnell and his saggy neck skin can take a long walk off a short pier into a…
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What Could Possibly Be Going Wrong With Primary Voting in Brian Kemp’s Georgia?
When I was young, I had a friend named Luck. He was called Luck because he did a bunch of rotten shit and never got caught. Once he stole a 30-gallon fish tank from the pet store in Prince Georges Plaza by walking into the store and walking out with it. He didn’t try to…
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Trump Believes the 75-Year-Old Man Pushed to the Ground by Buffalo, NY, Cops May Have Been an Antifa Operative
By now, we’ve all seen the horrific footage of 75-year-old Martin Gugino being shoved to the ground by two Buffalo, N.Y., police officers during a George Floyd protest Thursday. If you haven’t seen it, let me describe it for you using my third eye. A 75-year-old man (or maybe a young man acting as if…
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Donald Trump Jr.’s Mongolia Trip to Kill an Endangered Sheep Costs Taxpayers Nearly $77,000
I don’t know where Donald Trump Jr. lands on the asshole scale but I have to assume it’s pretty high. Like, I don’t know what level of asshole you have to be to fly to Mongolia to kill a sheep—an endangered sheep, at that—who is just chilling, looking for salt and vinegar potato chips or…
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Nancy Pelosi and 'Nem Just Introduced Sweeping Police Reform Bill While Wearing Kente Cloth
While the Trump administration is considering holding a nationwide speech on race and national unity, (yes, you read that right; King Racist and his tribe of a thousand tiki torches are mulling over a speech on race, which is kind of like a bear holding a speech on honey regulations or a Klan member posting…
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Ben Carson Says Protesting NFL Players Should Say They Love America; Colin Kaepernick’s Mom Claps Back With Receipts
The doctor of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson, is a fucking idiot. Maybe it’s not his fault. Maybe he’s playing a role to keep himself relevant. Maybe he’s lying, like the lies he’s told before. Like the time he claimed that he thwarted a robbery by pointing the robber towards the cash register or…
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Colin Powell Is Voting for Joe Biden and You-Know-Who Went Into an Orange Rage
Former Secretary of State and noted Republican Colin Powell is voting for Joe Biden in the upcoming presidential election. “I’m very close to Joe Biden in a social matter and in a political matter,” Powell told CNN’s Jake Tapper on State of the Union Sunday morning, Politico notes. “I’ve worked with him for 35, 40…
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Texas GOP Calling for Chairwoman’s Resignation After She Claimed George Floyd’s Death Was Staged
I mean… I don’t know what level of Hell this is but…. I don’t even know how you fix your lips or fingers to type such horrible things, but a Texas county GOP chairwoman is looking at adding to the staggering unemployment numbers as Texas GOP Chairman James Dickey is calling for her resignation for…
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There Are Really Only 2 Kinds of People: Those of Us Who Are Against Lynching and Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul
On the day of George Floyd’s memorial service, Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul just couldn’t pass up the moment to be an asshole. Paul, who has the hair of wet spaghetti noodles, wanted to add an amendment to the bipartisan anti-lynching legislation because he had nothing to do with writing it, and it’s hard for people…
