Attorney General William Barr to Donald Trump: Please Stop Tweeting About Us, You’re Making It Obvious

Illustration for article titled Attorney General William Barr to Donald Trump: Please Stop Tweeting About Us, You’re Making It Obvious
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On Thursday, Attorney General William Barr, aka Evil Fred Flintstone, went on a tirade about his lover/homie/friend President Donald Trump.

President Trump “has never asked me to do anything in a criminal case” but should stop tweeting about the Justice Department because his tweets “make it impossible for me to do my job,” Barr said during a sit-down interview with ABC News.

While the words may sound forceful and all other major news outlets took the bait, let’s rewind a bit to see what actually got us here. Earlier in the week, it was announced that F.O.T (Friend of Trump) Roger Stone was looking at some 7 to 9 years in the pokey. Stone was being tried for all sorts of skull duggerous shit, including not being a magician and wearing a fucking top hat. Nevertheless, it was attorneys for the Department of Justice who were recommending Stone’s sentence. Well, Trump got all huffy, and considering he paints his face orange, getting all huffy literally means that the president looked like a goddamn blowfish. Nevertheless, the incompetent fuck face in the White House did what most white men do when they get upset: He sent a sternly worded tweet, blasting the DOJ for what he considered to be a harsh sentence.


Within 24 hours, word got out that the DOJ was looking at reducing the sentence and all four attorneys who were trying the case had resigned, noting that this was some fuck shit that they didn’t want any part of.

Trump then took a victory lap, thanking the DOJ and even thanked Evil John Goodman-face for doing the right thing.

House Democrats were all, “Man, this is some straight bullshit” and subpoenaed male-Roseanne Barr to come say all of this in front of them. Under. Oath.


Speed back up to Thursday. Evil Fred Flintstone does this bullshit interview where he tough talks the president and acts like his relationship with Trump is not white nationalist #couplegoals.

“I think it’s time to stop the tweeting about Department of Justice criminal cases,” Barr told ABC News Chief Justice Correspondent Pierre Thomas.


And then he went for the president’s saggy jugular: “I’m not going to be bullied or influenced by anybody...whether it’s Congress, a newspaper editorial board, or the president,” Barr said. “I’m gonna do what I think is right. And you know… I cannot do my job here at the department with a constant background commentary that undercuts me.”

But here is the thing that everyone seems to miss: The president didn’t undercut him. In fact, Barr and Trump are in alignment, so where is all this “tough talk” coming from?


Trump thought Stone’s sentence was too harsh and Barr agreed and the DOJ, which Barr runs, is looking at reducing Stone’s sentence. The people that are at odds are the attorneys who quit and Barr/Trump who kneecapped them. Trump and Barr are on the same team. Barr is the Scottie Pippen to Trump’s Michael Jordan if Jordan and Pippen were white nationalist roundballers. Barr’s interview was political theater and not even good political theater; this was early Tyler Perry political theater.


Barr fiercely defended his actions, claiming that Stone’s sentencing reversal had nothing to do with the president or his friendship with Stone or the president’s tweet saying “Hey, Barr fix this miscarriage of justice!”

When asked directly if he had a problem with the president’s tweets, Barr responded, “Yes. Well, I have a problem with some of, some of the tweets. As I said at my confirmation hearing, I think the essential role of the attorney general is to keep law enforcement, the criminal process sacrosanct to make sure there is no political interference in it. And I have done that and I will continue to do that,” adding, “And I’m happy to say that, in fact the president has never asked me to do anything in a criminal case.”


What Barr meant to say is, “Yes, I have a problem with the president’s tweets as he keeps taking our private relationship public while we haven’t talked about making it Facebook official!”


A few hours after the interview aired Thursday, the White House issued a statement noting that the president has a right to tweet just like every other private citizen because for some reason they don’t recognize that he’s the goddamn president.

“The President wasn’t bothered by the comments at all and he has the right, just like any American citizen, to publicly offer his opinions,” White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham said.


“President Trump uses social media very effectively to fight for the American people against injustices in our country, including the fake news. The President has full faith and confidence in Attorney General Barr to do his job and uphold the law.”

Of course he does.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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“And I’m happy to say that, in fact the president has never asked me to do anything in a criminal case.”

The president never asks anyone to do anything, you toad. That’s how he works. We all know that’s how he works. He says “gosh, I’d sure like it if you got your ponderous warty ass off that lily pad” and before he’s even finished the sentence you’re in the air because you’re a kowtowing lickspittle, just like he is when he’s in the vicinity of every despotic world leader on the planet. But no, he didn’t ask.

These creatures cannot die fast enough.