Angry Earth Is Determined to Murder Us All

I do not believe everyone is the same. I believe we are all equal, but there are some things that some people do better than others, and black people are the best in the world at knowing when the shit is about to go down. If you are ever around a black person and they take off running without warning ... don’t ask questions, just start running. Trust me, they know when the shit is going down.

The shit is going down, y’all.

The Earth is trying to murder us. Don’t act like you don’t know it. I’m sure you tried to ignore it, like when you come home late and your girlfriend is mad, so she sulks all day, and you’re like, “What’s wrong?” and she’s like, “Nothing,” and you know something’s wrong, but you don’t feel like dealing with this shit, either, so you just fix you a bowl of Cheerios because you know she’s not going to cook, and if you cook, she’s just going to say, “I’m not hungry.” So there you are, sitting there eating Honey Nut Cheerios (that really don’t taste like La La Anthony), and you’re wondering if you should sleep on the couch because she might murder you in your sleep.

It’s kinda like that, except your girlfriend is the Earth.

And she’s definitely going to murder you.

Look, when Hurricane Harvey destroyed Houston, I was cool with it. I was sad that it might be a while before I get to see the Bookity Bookity Boudain Man again, but shit happens. The Earth be tripping sometimes. You know how it is.

Then Irma was chilling on a cruise in the Atlantic, minding her own business, heard that Harvey was the kind of storm that happened once in a thousand years, perked up and said, “Hold my beer.” Now they’re saying Irma is the most powerful Atlantic storm ever. Take my advice: If you’re ever caught in a natural disaster that begins with “the most” and ends with “ever,” you might want to start running.

Oh, and then there’s this:

What the fuck, Earth? What did we ever do to you (besides put holes in your ozone layer, destroy your atmosphere, tear down your forests, murder animals and destroy your entire ecosystem)?

OK, that actually sounded like a lot when I wrote it out, but fire ants? Fire ants, my ninja? We were sitting here preparing for the killer bees that they’ve been telling us were coming since 1976, but you switched it up and sent ants to Texas ... and Zika mosquitos. Wait, did I just hear someone say locusts were invading Trinidad?

Damn, Earth. You’re going old-school on us. Are you trying to “smite” us, homey? Next thing you know, someone will tell me you’re trying to fire-and-brimstone our asses, hahaha. Wait ... what?

What the fuck, Earth? I was just kidding! Damn, bruh. Take it easy! Anyway, I’m out, but before I leave, can I just remind you of one thing about the people who destroyed you, denied it and continue to do so?

They were all wypipo.

I can show you where they live, if you want.