Illustration: Sam Woolley, Photos: AP

When Barack Obama won the Iowa presidential primary in 2008 and went on to win Super Tuesday, I prayed the brotha didn’t have a side piece the Republicans could pull out to dash his hopes for winning the White House. Barring Fox News’ misleading reporting of his former pastor’s “Goddamn America” sermon and conservatives’ false associations between him and Bill Ayers, Obama pretty much had a scandal free presidency.

Then came the day in 2014 he wore a tan suit to a press conference. The white, untailored, blacks and greys suit-wearing Washington press corps and melanin-deficient Republicans erupted in pure horror. Rep. Peter King (R-NY) criticized the president’s “lack of seriousness.” Then came Fox News pundits who debated its color. Is it tan, cream, beige, taupe, or khaki? they incredulously asked. NBC News wrote that his suit “stole the spotlight.” Inside Edition labeled the event “suitgate.”

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Obama was a boring, no-drama president, and the media needed to create some BS to entertain themselves. It was dumb and should have never gained traction. It was a media-created frenzy that only the non-melanated species would care to report. The conspiracy theorist in me would bet a bottle of Hennessy “The Man” was plotting Obama’s downfall with that suit.

In 2018, “The Man” is former congressman and Florida GOP gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis.

Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum, only 39 years old, stands to become the first black governor in Florida history, as well as the nation’s youngest. Like Obama, he’ll have reached the national stage quickly and spark conversations about a possible 2024 run for president. Indeed, Gillum is that special of a candidate. But, like Obama, I pray Gillum ain’t trickin’. I hope he doesn’t get dogged by a #MeToo accusation. I really hope he is clean. I believe he is. He must be cleaner than the board of health because all these white folks can pull on him are Hamilton tickets. Yes, Hamilton tickets. Not a domestic abuse accusation, not a Lincoln Navigator leased on Tallahassee’s dime.

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Hamilton tickets.

For those out of the loop, DeSantis, who was getting his ass kicked during the second debate, accused Gillum of taking Hamilton tickets from an undercover FBI agent as part of a wider probe into corruption in Tallahassee. Gillum said his brother bought the tickets and that he was a grown man who pays for his own trips. There is no proof Gillum broke any laws. But that doesn’t stop DeSantis from trying to create a controversy about it.

Listen, we’ve had our fair share of Negros who’ve used their government coffers as personal bank accounts. Former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, once a Democratic superstar, got so ghetto that Capital Police in Washington stopped providing security for him because he wanted to hit up clubs all night. He is now in prison serving a 28-year-prison sentence on corruption charges. We could google corruption in Chicago, New York, Washington, D.C., or any other town in the U.S. and find politicians of all races caught up in some form of financial misappropriation. Of course, we have Donald Trump, DeSantis’ daddy, who has turned the White House into a kleptocracy.

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Yep, DeSantis wants to make Gillum the Clay Davis of Hamilton tickets?

HAMILTON TICKETS! You have a white supremacist in the White House using the government to enrich himself and you gon’ talk to me about Hamilton tickets?

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid.

The FBI has repeatedly said Gillum is not personally being investigated, and no one can directly say the mayor engaged in any improper behavior regarding the tickets. We’re hearing about these Hamilton tickets so often because DeSantis is desperate. He has no real dirt on Gillum. This reality is punctuated even more because DeSantis has no real policy ideas of his own.

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Because Ron DeSantis sucks.

We saw it in the last debate when Gillum was tagging him with all of his white supremacist connections. “Now, I’m not calling Mr. Desantis a racist. I’m simply saying the racists believe he’s a racist,” Gillum said at their last debate.

Mic drop.

DeSantis’ retort? Hamilton tickets and racist allusions about Gillum running a corrupt city, along with his patron Trump tweeting other racist garbage about the mayor.

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If I were Gillum, I’d rub these Hamilton tickets in his face. Migos’ “Walk it. Talk it” is a dope walkout song, but you know what would be better? “My Posse’s on Broadway,” by Sir Mix A Lot. If you are an 80s’ baby like me, you remember the video. Sir Mix A Lot was flossin’, braggin’ about how dope he and his crew were. But, there are several lines in the song that pertain to DeSantis’ and Gillum’s last debate, AKA, lop-sided rap battle.

We’re rollin’ Rainier and the jealous want to get some

Every time we do this sucka mc’s want to battle

I’m the man they love to hate the J.R. Ewing of Seattle

Picked up the posse on 23rd and Jackson

Headin for the strip yes were lookin for some action

The limos kinda crowded the whole car was leanin back

Maharaji’s watchin tv with two girlies on his lap

On Martin Luther King the set looks kinda dead

We need a new street so posse move ahead

We all look kinda swass the crew you can’t forget

The mix a lot posse cold rippin up the set

DeSantis is the sucka MC who wants the battle but can’t hang because his raps is mad weak. DeSantis is MC Hamilton—except the Hamilton play is dope. DeSantis is not.

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America has a lot of issues: An economy in need of a makeover; a horrible criminal justice system; a racist in the White House and even more in Congress. We don’t need any more tan suit attacks when we are clearly operating in a white supremacist political landscape. And we certainly don’t need any more whack politicians sullying the good name of Hamilton because they suck and have nothing better to present the American people.

Oh, and I think Gillum would look great walking out to “My Posse’s on Broadway” in a tan suit. Maybe Gillum will wear it during his inauguration.