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An Unofficial Transcript of Donald Trump’s Attempt to Fire Robert Mueller

Donald Trump  (Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images); Donald McGahn (Drew Angerer/Getty Images)
Donald Trump (Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images); Donald McGahn (Drew Angerer/Getty Images)

A new report has revealed that the president of wypipo tried to fire Robert Mueller only days after the veteran FBI official was hired as special counsel overseeing the splash back from the Russian pee tape.


According to the New York Times, before we discovered that Donald Trump was reportedly sending money orders to porn stars or learned that he probably wouldn’t be vacationing in Haiti this summer, the president issued orders to fire Mueller from the Russia investigation, telling White House counsel Donald McGahn to say that the firing had something to do with a bullshit golf dispute.

McGahn reportedly thought it was such an idiotic idea that he threatened to quit before he would agree to do something stupid, and Trump finally relented. The Times reports that this confrontation took place in June, only weeks after Mueller was hired.


Even though the New York Times has done a great job reporting this, The Root has obtained an unofficial transcript of the conversation between McGahn and Trump. We present to you: Robert Mueller’s Day Off.

Donald Trump: Hello, Mr. McGahn, I think we need to have a serious talk.

Donald McGahn: Sure, sir. What would you like to talk about?

DT: I’m going to need you to do two things for me today. I need for you to change your name and fire Robert Mueller.

DM: What? That’s a terrible idea!

DT: No, it isn’t. You don’t deserve a tremendously spectacular name like Donald. I don’t want people getting us confused. Plus, if you’re going to be my lawyer, I only hire Jewish attorneys. I’ve settled hundreds of pussy-grabbing cases with them, so you’re going to have to change your name to something more Jewish, like ...


DM: Wait ... I’m talking about the Robert Mueller thing. You can’t fire Robert Mueller!

DT: Why not?

DM: Because he’s investigating you for obstruction of justice! It would set off so many alarms. It could cause a constitutional crisis and even jump-start impeachment proceedings! Why would you want to fire him?


DT: To obstruct justice. “Obstruct” means stop, right? Sometimes when I’m trying to slip Ivanka some tongue, her big teeth obstruct me, so I’m pretty sure that’s what it means.

DM: But why would you want to fire him?

DT: I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it’s kinda the only thing I’m good at now that my arthritis is obstructing my vagina grabbing. See? I used that word again, hee-hee.


DM: Well, I’m not doing that. It would be terrible for you, legally speaking.

DT: That’s what they said about me not releasing my taxes ...

DM: But this is different.

DT: ... And rigging the election ...

DM: But he’s investigating that—

DT: ... And hiring a spy to sit on my security council ...

DM: Well, Michael Flynn is going to jail—

DT: ... And putting a white nationalist in the Oval Office ...

DM: Which one is that?

DT: ... And paying off porn stars.

DM: You paid off porn stars?

DT: Not the ones I peed on in the Russian video.

DM: Sir, I think we’re going to have to end this conversation. I’m not firing Robert Mueller. It would be an egregious breach of your oath of office. You’ll have to get someone else to do that.


DT: OK, I’ll let him stay for now. I would argue with you more, but they’re waiting outside with the Krylon orange spray paint to touch up my tan. So just get right on that name change and I’ll talk to you later.

DM: I’m not changing my name, sir.

DT: OK. Oh, Don, one more thing.

DM: What’s that sir?

DT: What does “egregious” mean?

DM: We’ll talk about it later.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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Sometimes when I’m trying to slip Ivanka some tongue, her big teeth obstruct me

Anyway, I give this a 9/10. You missed that he wants the hookers to piss on him.