An Open Letter to the White Couple Who Wrote a Penn State Football Player About His 'Awful' and 'Disgusting' Hair

Screenshot: Blue White Illustrated (YouTube)

Penn State University has responded to a letter that was reportedly penned by a stale two-pack of allegedly college-educated Saltines condemning the player’s “awful” and “disgusting” natural hair.

WPXI reports that Antonio Shelton tweeted a photo of a letter on Monday that was reportedly addressed to Penn State’s sophomore safety Jonathan Sutherland who—aside from serving as team captain and making the Dean’s List—wears the apparently offensive dreadlock hairstyle which is known to give white people the heebie-jeebies when they see the uncivilized manner in which black hair emerges naturally out of negro scalps.

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“My wife and I are proud ‘older’ graduates of Penn State,” begins the arrogant display of caucasity. “We follow all Penn State sports; football, wrestling, volleyball, gymnastics, basketball. We love it all.”

I would have thrown the letter away right there. As one of the few graduates who has proudly seen my alma mater (Auburn University) reach the College World Series, the NCAA basketball Final Four and win a football National Championship, I can tell you that I ain’t subscribing to ESPN 48 to watch no goddamn college wrestling. I don’t think the NCAA has tag team matches and the competitors rarely do the People’s Elbow off the top rope. It is obvious that this letter-writer majored in Psychopathic Obsessions with a minor in White Studies.

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The couple could apparently stomach Penn State’s willingness to ignore child-raping for more than a decade but drew the line at accepting tattoos, dancing jigaboos and unruly Negroid hair, writing:

Though the athletes of today are certainly superior to those in my days; we miss the clean cut young men and women from those days. Watching the Idaho game on TV we couldn’t help but notice your—well - awful hair. Surely there must be mirrors in the locker room! Don’t you have parents or girlfriend who’ve told you those shoulder length dreadlocks look disgusting and are certainly not attractive…

You will certainly be playing ‘on Sunday’ in the future but we have stopped watching the NFL due to the disgusting tattoos, awful hair and immature antics in the end zone.

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What the fuck, white people?

In a follow-up tweet, Penn State said they could not verify the content of the letter but insisted that it “did not align” with the school’s values. Penn State Head Coach James Franklin made a statement during his daily press conference calling Sutherland “one of the most respected players in our program” and the “ultimate example of what our program is about.”

The correspondence is a not-so-shocking example of white hypocrisy. In 2016, the local newspaper did an award-winning investigative story on quarterback Trace McSorley’s tattoos (You don’t have to click on the article to see if he was white. Didn’t I just say his name was “Trace McSorley?”) However, I, too must confess that there are athletes whose hairstyles have imbued me with intense displeasure. I momentarily contemplated circulating a petition against Andrew Luck’s neo-confederate neckbeard until he retired from football to go fight in the Civil War (I’m pretty sure that was the reason he passed up $58 million). I’ve also called for an investigation into LeBron James’ obvious use of hairline-enhancing drugs and questioned Jeremy Linn’s dreadlocks:

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It is important to note that Sutherland recently stated that he has been wearing locs since he was a small child.

“I’ve had my hair for, like ten years,” he told reporters at a Sept. 3 press conference, adding: “It’s become a part of my identity at this point.”

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Luckily, The Root has obtained a reply from Jonathan Sutherland’s dreadlocks to his alumni critics:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. White Folks,

Because my owner has more class in his pinky toe than you have in the entirety of your rapidly-deteriorating, hateful hearts, I wanted to take the time out to offer a response. I was just hanging out minding my own business when I heard that you were talking shit about me.

Well, I’m not as nice as Jonathan.

First of all, you will be happy to know that Jonathan does own a mirror. In fact, each time he looks at his reflection, he touches his beautiful crown and offers a word of thanks to his creator that he does not possess the arrogance, ignorance or privilege-induced hubris to sit down and write a letter to another human being insulting them for something that doesn’t affect him at all. For if he was so inclined, he might mention that you probably resemble a family pack of chicken leg quarters that was left in the trunk of a Honda Civic parked at an airport for a month.

But Jonathan would never say that.

Instead, I would like to note that Jonathan washes me every day, unlike many of his teammates who, I’ve noticed, prefer a less rigorous washing schedule that—for some reason—never includes their legs. I would also like to allay your concerns about his love life by informing you that he does not seem to have any trouble in that area, but he seems to be pretty picky. Maybe he doesn’t want to marry a woman who wouldn’t say “maybe you should shut the fuck up” when her husband told her that he was about to write a sternly-worded letter about black hair.

But that’s just him.

In closing, I would like to add that I am proud to represent “all Penn Staters” except for the two shit-eating, entitled dumbasses whose self-righteousness makes me wish Jonathan was crass enough to tell you to go fuck yourselves…or each other.

Love,

Jonathan Sutherland’s Dreadlocks

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.