First off, I, along with my tethered play cousins, would very much like to be excluded from this narrative. Much unlike the terrycloth bathroom accessory, we are actually very fragile and would not like to be tossed around in a proverbial boxing ring or anywhere else, thank you very much.

Wait, are you officially speaking on behalf of the other tiles on the floor as well?

Yes. We are actually in this together, this isn’t some good-natured quote uttered by rich folks in an attempt to make you feel better during the pandemic. We are one band; one sound.


Wow, shots fired. Well, after an all-night roasting session, Tyrese doubled-down on his mishap in a now-deleted tweet and claimed the screenshot taken from his IG Live comment was photoshopped. Do you believe him?


Well, Tyrese does have a history with photoshop, albeit a shoddy one. However, whether or not the screenshot was photoshopped, I have now received countless phone calls wondering about my safety after such threats to toss me around like I wasn’t just simply minding my Swedish-named business in Ikea. I’m very low-maintenance and never bother anybody.

Is there anything you’d like from Tyrese? A public apology? A gift card for a future wax?

Honestly? I’d just like some basic respect in decency going forward. Phrases like “throw in the tile” and floor-abuse propaganda like Hit the Floor—I’m tired! I’m tired of people walking all over me. I mean, that is my sole function—to have people and house pets walk all over me—but I have rights, too.


Do you?

You wanna take this outside?

Oh my…actually, no, because when outside opens again, I’d rather have fun than fight.

Great, glad we’re on the same page. Tug Lafe. Also, I’d like the record to show that while I’m over here being durable and eco-friendly, those wet spot rags are colluding in a marketing scheme over at Bed Bath and Beyond, but I’m sleep.


Wait, are you trying to start a conspiracy over the towel displays at Bed Bath and Beyond?

Yes, and they were trying to buy HGTV.

I see. Well, is there anything else you’d like our readers to know about you before I go?

Yes, I’m not as froggy as I may appear in this interview, I’m just on the defense, here. I’m actually pretty grounded. Oh, and my favorite Tyrese song is “Lately.”