Alvin Kamara Is Not Human, the Jaguars Know What They're Doing and Other Takeaways From Week 16 of the NFL

Illustration for article titled Alvin Kamara Is Not Human, the Jaguars Know What They're Doing and Other Takeaways From Week 16 of the NFL
Photo: Wesley Hitt (Getty Images)

Thanks to the Christmas holiday, we were treated to three days of NFL football, so if you were too preoccupied with opening gifts or squandering your life away on Clubhouse, here’s what you missed


Alvin Kamara Is Not to Be Played With

While the standings will have you believe otherwise, it’s been a tumultuous season for the New Orleans Saints (11-4). All-Pro receiver Michael Thomas has barely been on the field all year; Emmanuel Sanders and Terron Armstead got put in a headlock by the coronavirus; Cam Jordan hasn’t looked like his usual self, and Drew Brees—yes, that Drew Brees—also missed several games with 11 (!!!!!!) rib fractures. Yet despite surviving more chaos than the Trump administration, the Saints have had one constant that has almost felt like an unfair advantage, and his name is Alvin Kamara.

No matter the odds or circumstances, week after week Kamara has provided the type of consistency from the running back position that most organizations can only dream of—especially since he not only does it on the ground but in the air. And with Thomas out for the rest of the regular season while Brees is easing himself back to the fold to prepare for the playoffs, Kamara put the team on his shoulders and treated us all to a historic performance on Christmas Day.

Hyperbole gets thrown around a lot in sports, but after collecting 172 yards from scrimmage and scoring six touchdowns, I think we can all agree that Kamara is one of the best to ever do it in a Saints uniform—all while remaining fashionable with a custom diamond grill and Christmas-themed cleats.

To put Kamara’s performance into context, he tied a single-game rushing TD record that was set in 1929. 1929! He also became the first player since Gale Sayers in 1965 to score that many touchdowns in a game.


I don’t know what in the hell Kamara eats for breakfast, but dude is no fucking joke on the field. He deserves a chapter in the Bible or something. Damn.


Trevor Lawrence Will Be a Jaguar

After being a dumpster fire since the dawn of time, suddenly the future of the Jaguars is brimming with hope. What a difference a couple of New York Jets wins make.


On the same day the Jags set a franchise record by losing their 14th consecutive game of the season, their ineptitude brought them unspeakable joy as they learned that as a reward for officially having the worst record in the league, they’ll be picking first in the 2021 NFL Draft.

Why is this such a big goddamn deal? Because Trevor Lawrence, the best college quarterback prospect since Andrew Luck, is the top prize. And up until two weeks ago, the sorry-ass Jets were the ones who had dibs. But because the Jets picked the absolute worst time in the history of their franchise to ring off an inexplicable two-game winning streak—after giving the Rams that work the week before, they punched the Browns in the mouth on Sunday—New York will be picking second in the draft.


So now literally overnight, the Jags—who are also looking for a new GM and head coach—have gone from one of the worst run organizations in professional sports to having two of the most desirable openings in the entire league. Because who the hell doesn’t want to coach or build a team around a potential future Hall of Fame quarterback?


Trevor definitely dodged a bullet by avoiding playing for the Jets, but at least they have their pride intact by not going winless this season...I guess.

Let me know how that works out for you as you continue to swirl around the toilet bowl for the next three or four seasons since y’all can’t even lose right.


Travis Kelce Is Here to Destroy Us All

On the same day the Kansas City Chiefs clinched the No. 1 seed in the AFC and earned themselves a first-round bye, Travis Kelce and his cybernetic implants set a single-season record for tight end receiving yards—a record previously set by Greg Kittle of the 49ers in 2018.



With a 31-yard catch in the fourth quarter of Kansas City’s 17-14 win over the Atlanta Falcons that saw K.C. secure homefield in the AFC, Kelce surpassed Kittle’s 2018 single-season record of 1,377 yards to set a new standard. Kelce finished with 98 yards and a touchdown on seven catches on the day, giving him 1,416 receiving yards and 105 catches on the season.


In what realm of reality is a tight end doing this type of damage even remotely fair?


Mind you, the Chiefs still have one more game left this season. So while it’s likely that he’ll sit the team’s final game in order to rest for the playoffs, it’s also possible that he might get some snaps in next week and run these numbers up even higher.

Damn. Congrats, Travis.

Who Balled Out

Tom Brady tore Detroit a new asshole and Jeff Wilson blacked out against the Cardinals, but did you see Ryan Fitzpatrick heave that Fitzmagic against the Raiders to help eliminate them from the playoffs?


How in the hell?! Talk about a Christmas miracle.

See y’all next week.

Menace to supremacy. Founder of Extraordinary Ideas and co-host and producer of The Extraordinary Negroes podcast. Impatiently waiting for y'all to stop putting sugar in grits.



Explain the Packers hate to me again?

Rodgers puts up 4 touchdowns throwing and sets himself up for a no-duh MVP, a running back with limited play time this year puts up 125 yards and 2 touchdowns in the snow against a team with an actual defense but all you can talk about is Alvin Kamara dropping 6 TDs in a game against the pee-wee league Vikings with broken ass “All Lives Matter” Brees!?!?  What else were they gonna do?  Let the mutant Jonas brother (Taysom Hill) “throw” more “passes”?

I’m pretty sure the Jezebel staff could get at least 4 rushing TDs vs the Vikings right now.  Oooooh, big accomplishment.