Breakups are a fact of life. All things both good and bad come to an end, leaving us feeling some type of way afterward. When things end on a good note, we go our separate ways and let each other exist in peace. When things end on a less-than-stellar note, we think of ways to make the other feel the burn, because fuck that—you gonna miss me when I’m gone.
Thankfully, we live in the age of social media—where any and everything can be turned into a sideshow if that is what you desire. Back in our parents’ day, you would have had to show up someplace that he was going to be in your finest threads so he could notice you and get nostalgic for what might have been.
These days, you simply have to show up on his timeline to get under his skin, and get under his skin you shall, because—petty.
Now, I know you may be thinking to yourself, “Isn’t this the woman who wrote an entire post about emotional intelligence and emotional maturity?”
Yes, I am that woman, but I am also the same woman who said on Twitter, “2018 is really going to be the year of ‘Fuck you too, bitch. Be blessed,’” so do with that information what you will.
The point is, sometimes you have to put on your petty pants and be the pettier person. I’m just here to walk you through it, so let’s go.
At some point, you may have changed your relationship status on Facebook to reflect that you were together. Even if you didn’t, get on Facebook and change that status to “single.” Make sure it shows to everyone on your feed. You probably have some mutual friends, and those who are nosy are going to ask what happened because they can’t help themselves.
Feel free to tell them that you are moving onward and upward and leave it at that.
(Important note: Resist the urge to change your Facebook display name to something ridiculous like Monique ICanDoBadAllByMyFuckingSelf Judge. That just makes you look sad, and I actually make fun of people who do that, so please spare us both.)
On Instagram, wear less and post more. Increase the number of selfies you share when you are out with your girls and when you are getting ready to go out with your girls. Post pictures of your cleavage. Post pictures of the alcoholic beverages you consume while you are out doing things as a single woman.
Even when you are home alone, strategically pose yourself on your bed, lying on your pillows with the pillowcases he will recognize, and after capturing your sexiest “I’m bored and alone” look, caption the picture, “Netflix and chill?”
The cool thing about Instagram is you can make all the pictures automatically post to Facebook as well, thereby increasing the likelihood that he and other people he knows will see them. It’s a win, trust me. Someone is going to see it and ask him about it, and he will be bothered, and you will be winning.
Twitter is where you will really get to show out to the widest possible audience. It is the home of the thirst trap in both written and picture form, so take advantage.
First of all, pay attention to your male followers who flirt with you. Flirt back. Sometimes flirt back with a quote tweet saying something like, “Boy, if you don’t stop, you are going to get yourself into some trouble.”
Those thirst-trap selfies you took for Instagram? You can post them on Twitter, too, and often get better results. On Twitter, even people who don’t follow you may see people responding to your pictures and tweets, and that means more attention for you.
More attention for you means more consternation for him—he is going to be big mad. Good.
Another thing Twitter is good for is subtweets. Get it off your chest without hitting that @ button. Whether you are talking to him or not, he’s going to be paying attention. Subtweet your sexiest follower, detailing the things you would do if you had the chance. Let those tweets fly. The ex may be moved to respond or at least let a sub of his own fly, and then you will know you are truly the winner.
All of this may seem a bit immature, but remember—the point is to be petty. Petty is as petty does, and she who is the pettiest wins.
It may not solve any of your problems. It may not send him running back to you. But it’s a good way to let off some steam and work through whatever aggression you may be feeling after the breakup.
And that, ladies, is what it’s all about.
Now go be great.
Go be petty.