Afro, Oh My! What Does Your Hair Say About the Kind of Guy You Attract?

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When one thinks of summer, one might think about barbecues, beach time and beverages spiked with alcohol. But let’s face it: What seems to matter the most during this season is single people getting a Ned Stark-like warning of “Winter is coming,” also known as seeing all their friends’ Facebook statuses changing to “in a relationship,” which forces the single folk to try to lock down a boo of their own. And part of locking down a boo is the initial physical attraction between two people. In the case of men, one of the things at the top of the attention-grabbing list is hair.

Don’t believe me? Look it up. Magazines like Glamour and Cosmopolitan constantly do articles about what kinds of hairstyles men like on women. But usually the focus is on white women or those women of color with so-called easily manageable hair, aka naturally straight hair. But what about us sisters? Where’s the guide to inform and give us insight into the dudes who want to date us or, at the very least, attempt to get some of our “good good”?

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Well, look no further, because I’m about to hook you up with some insider info. I’ve compiled nearly 31 years of research. And by “nearly 31 years of research,” I mean recalling good and bad dates my girlfriends and I have been on, awful catcalling and unsolicited neg-pliments I have received (also known as negative compliments, like the one I got from a guy who told me I would be so pretty if my hair were straight). I’m using all of those experiences to let you know exactly what guy you’re going to attract based on your hair. So let’s get to it!

An Afro

This look attracts all kinds of dudes: black, Latino and white ones who are about that Robert De Niro life (i.e., exclusively dating black women, but not in a gross, fetish way). But the type of guy who loves this look more than everyone else is one who says “sister” a lot, and judging by the amount of beaded bracelets and necklaces he’s wearing, he probably robbed an abacus from an elementary school to make all that jewelry. #NobodyIsPerfect. But hippy-dippy jewels aside, this guy is sensitive and will grease your scalp while you watch How to Get Away With Murder. He’s a keeper; just remind him to keep the spoken-word poetry to a minimum.

Note: This guy usually has a mom who will, at some point, say to you, “Oh, you trying to be Angela Davis?” Now, if you don’t mind hearing that while you’re putting a spoonful of cranberry sauce on your plate at Thanksgiving, you are, in the words of the great Destiny’s Child, “a survivor!”

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The Maxine Shaw

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The guy likes nostalgia. He’ll most likely play Morris Day and the Time or Patrice Rushen to seal the deal, rewatch old episodes of The Steve Harvey Show for the hell of it, and bust the cha cha slide to songs when it’s not appropriate, like Rihanna’s “Bitch Better Have My Money.” This is mainly because the cha cha slide is his go-to dance move. He’s clearly an old-school daddy-o, but he’s a well-meaning provider who will wear you down with his charm.

Bald

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He’s a nonbasic dude who loves that you serve him nothing but face for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Also, the fact that you’re bald means you will arrive to events on time, thus never missing out on hors d’oeuvres ever again. Trust me, a well-timed pig in a blanket will save a relationship.

Dreadlocks

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Ride-or-die men who are looking for ride-or-die boos are the kinds of guys who are into this look. I mean, if you can rock heavy-ass dreads, which are doing nothing other than absorbing the cruel summer heat to the point that your neck is now as hot as a skillet that’s used to fry catfish, then he knows you can handle the ups and downs of a relationship. He will worship you and call you a queen on the daily, and if he already has dreadlocks, you best believe he is planning on you two creating an army of black, dreadlock-headed babies. Adios, birth control!

Flat Ironed-Permed-Straight

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This guy is looking for his real-life Olivia Pope. Minus the homewrecking, the excessive drinking of large goblets of wine and the getting herself kidnapped, of course. What that leaves him with is a gorgeous lady who’s smart as hell and confident and has a strut that can make even the unsexiest of walks (e.g., the Lean Cuisine cubicle stroll where you walk to the microwave, heat up that chicken Alfredo and then stroll back to your desk at work) the sexiest thing he’s ever seen.

‘Poetic Justice’ Braids 

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He’s a dreamer and an artist. Whether it’s singing, writing, dancing or art of the visual kind, his imagination may be bigger than his bank account, but who cares? He’s going to support you, loves that you’re a feminist and lives to be the Sean Patrick Thomas to your black version of Julia Stiles in Save the Last Dance.

Lace-Front Wig

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Guys who dig this look are raging fans of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I kid, I kid! Guys who like lace fronts might be a little on the shallow side, since it’s usually models and actresses who spend an inordinate amount of time on their looks who sport these dos. But on the plus side, these men also know about boundaries. They know they can’t be putting their fingers all up in your wig and jacking it up. And they’ll defend you against any white person who gets the urge to touch your do. These dudes are #TeamYouCantTouchMyHair, and that’s the best damn team, as far as I’m concerned. 

Phoebe Robinson is a stand-up comedian and writer who recently appeared on Late Night With Seth Meyers and The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore. She is currently a consultant on Broad City and is writing her first collection of essays for Plume Publishing, which will be published in the fall of 2016. If you live in New York City, you can see her and Jessica Williams co-hosting a stand-up show called Blaria (aka Black Daria) at Union Hall the third Wednesday of every month. Follow her on Twitter.

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